Month: January 2011

I am feeling discombobulated today, I found out some very discerning news on Saturday. A man used to work with, his wife passed away. The only thing anyone knows is that they went to bed and when he woke up, she was gone. No history of illness, no hint, nothing. She was 47 years old. I find this disturbing on so many levels. First I am so sorry for his loss, and his children’s loss. To lose their mother like that, just so sudden, and for him to lose his wife so suddenly, just horrifying. I cannot imagine waking up and finding the person you love lying next to you dead. My heart goes out to the whole family.
So now I am thinking of mortality and death and age, my birthday is imminent, my birthday month starts tomorrow, Elizabeth kicks it off with her birthday. Tomorrow, I shall recount the day she was born, and I don’t care how many times I have told it.
Now instead of being excited about my birthday I am wary, what if I die like that. I’m not ready to go; I have too much to do. We live until we are 100 or longer, I can’t go now, I had so many plans! I have so much to experience! I think when something like this happens it teaches us that life is indeed short and we need to do the things we want to now. Not wait for someday or tomorrow or down the road. We need to do them now. I don’t mean crazy things, I have no desire to jump out of a plane or climb a mountain.
I want to travel, I want to write a book, I want to take dance lessons, I still want to be the best mom in the world. That one is not attainable, my mom holds that title, but I can still work toward it. I want to have a job that I love doing, that I want to get up for everyday, jump out of bed and not be tempted to call in and take a vacation day.
Is there anything you want to do, things that if you did not do you would regret them?

I would like to take a moment to post Ronald Reagan’s speech after the Challenger disaster, I clearly remember it, I was a stay at home mom with Jeffrey. President Reagan was an amazing orator and a great president. Here is his speech, which still makes me cry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d planned to speak to you tonight to report on the state of the Union, but the events of earlier today have led me to change those plans. Today is a day for mourning and remembering. Nancy and I are pained to the core by the tragedy of the shuttle Challenger. We know we share this pain with all of the people of our country. This is truly a national loss. Nineteen years ago, almost to the day, we lost three astronauts in a terrible accident on the ground. But we’ve never lost an astronaut in flight; we’ve never had a tragedy like this. And perhaps we’ve forgotten the courage it took for the crew of the shuttle. But they, the Challenger Seven, were aware of the dangers, but overcame them and did their jobs brilliantly. We mourn seven heroes: Michael Smith, Dick Scobee, Judith Resnik, Ronald McNair, Ellison Onizuka, Gregory Jarvis, and Christa McAuliffe. We mourn their loss as a nation together.
For the families of the seven, we cannot bear, as you do, the full impact of this tragedy. But we feel the loss, and we’re thinking about you so very much. Your loved ones were daring and brave, and they had that special grace, that special spirit that says, “Give me a challenge, and I’ll meet it with joy.” They had a hunger to explore the universe and discover its truths. They wished to serve, and they did. They served all of us. We’ve grown used to wonders in this century. It’s hard to dazzle us. But for 25 years the United States space program has been doing just that. We’ve grown used to the idea of space, and perhaps we forget that we’ve only just begun. We’re still pioneers. They, the members of the Challenger crew, were pioneers.
And I want to say something to the schoolchildren of America who were watching the live coverage of the shuttle’s takeoff. I know it is hard to understand, but sometimes painful things like this happen. It’s all part of the process of exploration and discovery. It’s all part of taking a chance and expanding man’s horizons. The future doesn’t belong to the fainthearted; it belongs to the brave. The Challenger crew was pulling us into the future, and we’ll continue to follow them.
I’ve always had great faith in and respect for our space program, and what happened today does nothing to diminish it. We don’t hide our space program. We don’t keep secrets and cover things up. We do it all up front and in public. That’s the way freedom is, and we wouldn’t change it for a minute. We’ll continue our quest in space. There will be more shuttle flights and more shuttle crews and, yes, more volunteers, more civilians, more teachers in space. Nothing ends here; our hopes and our journeys continue. I want to add that I wish I could talk to every man and woman who works for NASA or who worked on this mission and tell them: “Your dedication and professionalism have moved and impressed us for decades. And we know of your anguish. We share it.”
There’s a coincidence today. On this day 390 years ago, the great explorer Sir Francis Drake died aboard ship off the coast of Panama. In his lifetime the great frontiers were the oceans, and an historian later said, “He lived by the sea, died on it, and was buried in it.” Well, today we can say of the Challenger crew: Their dedication was, like Drake’s, complete.
The crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the manner in which they lived their lives. We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved goodbye and “slipped the surly bonds of earth” to “touch the face of God.”

Well yesterday Chewie was not content by the open door, no, he walked in front of me and began dancing, yes dancing. I said what do you want, you have food, water, an open door, he danced on, like a maniac. Without the chair and water, so I get up and follow him, he wanted me to walk outside with him and watch him. So watch him I did.
I am totally rocking a thin mint hangover today. I ate too many of them, one whole sleeve! I am so embarrassed by my gluttony! Good thing it is not March yet! Thin mints would totally ruin my goal of skinniness. But I so cannot indulge like that again; I did not like the hangover feeling this morning. That happens when I eat too much sugar. So this morning it is coffee and well coffee. Coffee with heavy whipping cream (no carbs) and one sweet-n-low. Yummy!
I am leaving work two hours early today, I get Tessa today! Woohoo! That makes me very happy, she is going to spend the night with me, we are going to have fun, and I have several new movies I think she is going to like very much.
I am very excited, I received my birthday discount from DSW and also my rewards certificate from them, I think new shoes are the order of the day. I can’t decide what I want; I guess I will see when I get there. Or I may wait until Linda gets to town, I am taking her boot shopping, she has not worn boots in years due to her living in Florida. This is going to be fun!
I have a fun filled weekend planned, Tessa, seeing friends like Geneva and Sylvia, going to Jess’ house seeing him and his sister and her husband. They are painting, and moving things. I will not be painting, no one panic, but I am an excellent box mover.
The Sci-Fi expo is in town this weekend; I think I will talk the Irishman into going on Sunday. I want to see Nichelle Nichols. She influenced my childhood so much; she made me believe women could do anything, even be a lieutenant on the bridge of a space ship. She was independent, sassy and totally rocked that Star Trek costume. I wanted to be her when I was younger. She broke barriers not only for women of color, but all women, at a time when women were regulated to secretary or nurse, she was a lieutenant. Gene Roddenberry was a visionary, not just of space travel, but of equal rights, of all kinds.

Chewie is driving me crazy these days; you see he loves this weather, well this weather and colder. He wants out, then he wants in, then he wants out, then he wants in. this is a 20 minute span. I came up with a solution, I leave the patio door open just enough so he can go in and out, it works perfectly. Perfectly that is until he wants me to come watch him look out into the beyond. He likes it when I watch him stand at the patio door with his snout going upward, sniffing, sniffing, sniffing freedom. I know he can smell it. But I have become savvier; I make sure the gate is very secure these days. He has not escaped in a good long while. Sometimes I feel bad that he has not escaped, he takes such joy in it. I wish I could take him to Colorado, let him tromp in the snow, go wild in the woods, I know he would be in his element.
I often wonder if we have done certain breeds of dogs a disservice by domesticating them, some just seem to fit in better in the wild. As you can imagine I am a huge fan of Jack London. Chewie is very well behaved, an indoor dog, however, I can feel his whole body reverberate with the desire to run wild in the snow. We don’t get it that often here, so when we do I know he relishes it.
So, here is to our canine companions, whatever the breed, may you enjoy their personality quirks as much as you do your human companions.

I had the strangest dream last night, I don’t know if it is the roller skating or me writing down thoughts about Owasso, but it was incredibly strange. I dreamed that we were having a class reunion, here, in Plano, Texas. I get a call from Tammi, she, Pam and Tonya are at another persons apartment that we went to high school with and can I come get them.
I go over, now it is not strange they would be at this person’s apartment, but his roommate is someone that works in my building, someone I really hold in low esteem. That was the first shocker, our classmate was not there, he was at work. So we sit around, drinking, are you ready for this Tammi and Tonya, peppermint schnapps. And as we all get a little tipsy it is suggested we go roller skating, well we are all for that. So we grab our skates, yes, we happened to have our skates at our classmates apartment and we go out to my car.
We get in and I begin to drive, all of a sudden my car starts going backward, fast, Tammi screams, hit the brakes, I scream I am. Tonya very calmly says perhaps they are not working. Ya think! Tonya is calm, Tammi and I are freaking out, Pam, well Pam is in Pam world. We are going so fast that all we can see are pinpoints of lights.
We finally stop, we get out of the car, we take a good look at each other. We are no longer wearing the clothes we started out with, we are all in outfits we had in high school. I told Tammi, why are you wearing your hair all feathered, she told me I wouldn’t talk if I were you, you look like Farah Fawcett. We then looked at Tonya, hair all feathered, Pam, her hair was exactly the same as when we were in high school. Then we take a good look at the car, it is no longer my car, it is some boat sized 1970’s sedan.
Then we start looking around at our surroundings, I realize we are outside of Owasso, on a country road, near mine and Tammi’s houses. At this point Pam begins to pay attention and she begins to panic, Tammi wanted to slap her but I stopped her. Just as we get back in the car to drive to my house to figure this out I was rudely awakened. I don’t know what happened!!!
I believe this dream is a message for Randy, Randy I believe this means you should totally plan a reunion for Owassoan’s living in North Texas! That is my interpretation.

There once was a magical place in Oklahoma, called Owasso. Just the name invokes so many thoughts, sometimes they are all jumbled in my head. My life has been filled with names of people and places that are to some odd, others funny sounding, to me they are magical and cannot be made up and can only be found in Oklahoma.
For example, Foy, Odela, Lela, Wilbur, Minnie Effie, Darla Barnhouse, Billy Mozingo, a family where everyone’s middle name is Joe, or Jo if you are a girl. My own maiden name, which I do not reveal here, is not completely “normal” no Smith or Jones for us.
I did not always live in Owasso, I first lived in Oklahoma City, with my amazing grandparents, Lela and Wilbur and my great Aunt Effie, great names, names that you do not hear these days. For whatever reason my blood mother was not able to care for me, or my 3 siblings, we were all farmed out, so to speak. I believe I got the luck of the draw, I got our grandparents. It was an odd way to grow up, I admit. I was raised by older people; I used words that were not in everyday use anymore. I was raised to argue points from a logical standpoint at a very early age, I was also taught the art of Southern charm and flirting. I was in the Orchestra, dance class; I was on the volleyball team and the basketball team and at one point the band. I was very much petted and spoiled and indulged by the three elderly people I lived with, by the time I was 12 I was completely rotten and a little out of control. It was then the most horrific thing happened, my beloved grandfather passed away.
He woke up one morning, worked in the garden, went to the church and worked on the roof, came home, fiddled with the car. Went into the house and had a massive heart attack. He was 86 years old. It was the one and only time I ever saw my grandmother cry. They had been married for 66 years. It was after the funeral a decision had to be made about me. My great aunt and uncle, my grandfathers brother and his wife, had wanted me when I was born. They still did, they came to my grandmother and said we really want her to come live with us. So off to the magical land of Owasso I went.

Yesterday we went roller skating, what fun! I seriously love roller skating. When I put my skates on and go out on the floor it is just like time traveling, I am once again 13, flying around the rink in Owasso. We went all the time, when the U.S. beat the Russians in Hockey, that was were I was. We heard the news in the rink. That was the happening place in Owasso. We didn’t have a movie theater, a bowling alley, nothing, just the Skate Ranch.
So after much bragging that he was the best skater; the Irishman falls first thing, taking his daughter with him. Not to worry I captured the moment for posterity. It is on my facebook, you might notice he is wearing a leprechaun hat. He actually won a bet to get to wear that skating.
My new shoes came in Saturday and I picked them up at the apartment office yesterday, I am so excited! I got two new pairs of boots and 3 pairs of spring/summer shoes. I now am in need of a pedicure!
Next week is Elizabeth Anne’s birthday; it marks the beginning of our birthday month. We share the month. I have often said she was my birthday present. I am incredibly blessed to have a daughter like her.
Someone said to me the other day, we are lucky to have good kids. Lucky. Luck had nothing to do with me having good kids. It was hard work, you have to work hard to raise good kids who have morals and values and who are empathetic to the plight of others without being, well, weak. I worked hard raising my children, I love them very much, because I loved them, I disciplined them when needed; I nurtured them when needed and took them to church. I believe it is important to raise children in church, to give them that foundation of God.

I wish. Two powerful words, but what are they? Are you wishing for something you have no control over? Or are you wishing something would happen that you actually can control? If that is the case why not make it a goal? For example, I wish I could get married in Vegas. For me that is a wish that is not going to happen. Now, I wish I had a different job. That I have control over, so therefore it should not be a wish, it should be a goal. Something I work towards.
I think people have the wrong concept of what a wish is, a wish is something you want to happen but you cannot make it happen. When people say they wish they could find the perfect mate for example, that is something they cannot make happen. Because there is no such thing, no one is perfect and we all have flaws. I know what you are thinking, perfect for me. Still, no such animal, we are always, eventually going to see the flaws.
I know all of the flaws that the Irishman has; I hope he knows mine by now. I would never list those flaws in public, to me that is a disloyalty. Even if they are small flaws, those are things you discuss with each other. Decide if you can live with them, flaws are different than habits. Bad habits can be changed, if you are willing to do so. For example, a bad habit is leaving dirty socks by the chair or leaving your boots in the middle of the living room floor. One of those bad habits is mine by the way. A flaw is something you cannot change, even if you wanted to. For example, an insatiable need to read all Hollywood gossip. That is mine by the way; I will not list what I see as his, as once again, I view that as disloyalty in a relationship.
But back to the wishing, people, stop wishing, start doing, make goals, clear cut goals, then set out a plan to achieve those goals. If the mind believes it, then you can achieve it. I believe in you, go out and make it happen.

I am so tired, I started to take today off, however I did not. Why am I so tired you ask, well I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I really don’t want to talk about it here as I tend to not talk about my personal life. Just know I am exhausted and honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
On a much happier note, I am loving my IPod these days, I know I touched on this yesterday, but last night I was listening to it on my way home and the soundtrack from Pirate Radio came on, and I am so loving these songs. I completely forgot about The Who, Cream and The Kinks, I seriously love The Kinks, so happy I am rediscovering this music.
This weekend the Irishman’s children are with us again, on Sunday we are supposed to go skating. I am very excited about this; I have gotten my skates out, cleaned them and oiled the bearings in the wheels. The girls are looking forward to going skating, they want to see me do better than their dad, I don’t think they believe that he can do anything physical. Hopefully he won’t try and weasel his way out of this. I don’t think I will allow him to. I want to go skating; I may need a new outfit. Oh speaking of new outfit, the shoes I ordered should be delivered today, so excited! I got two new pairs of boots, and two pairs of spring/summer wedges. I cannot wait to get them.
So March 1st will begin my journey to get down to a size 4, yes I said it, size 4, I would love to be a size 0, however I don’t think I can achieve that. When I get to a 4 then I will probably be so addicted to not eating and exercising like a maniac that I will just continue, if I could be a size 0 I would be the happiest person in the entire world. I do believe that would make me supremely happy, to be so thin that people look at me and say “eat a burger”. That is my goal. And before anyone says it, I don’t want to hear it. I know I am hugely overweight and do not look good. I know I fake it a lot, but I know without a doubt that people are disgusted when they look at me. So, after my birthday month, I will be not eating, and exercising. It is my last chance to be pretty, I am almost too old. Wish me luck!

This morning I was carried into work on the dulcet tones of the Bay City Rollers. Have I mentioned my love for them? I do believe they were my very first boy band crush. I loved the drummer, Derek, loved him. With my whole teenage heart. I have always had a thing for drummers. Derek, Peter Kriss, Tommy Lee, I cannot explain my fascination with drummers; I just know I love them.
I digress, The Bay City Rollers, am I the only one out here who still loves them? I still have all of their albums, yes, albums, as in vinyl. Whenever I was sad, an album went on the turntable, soothing, uplifting, pure escapism. Yes, escapism, music enables me to go someplace else, escape from the realities of my life. It still does that for me. I love all music, from classical to rap, I said it, rap, not the hard core stuff, more like Eminem, to me he is rap lite. I remember the first orchestra concert I ever went to, it was in the fifth grade. What an amazing experience, the music just enters your soul; it expands it, fills it, your soul soars. It is nothing short of amazing, if you have never listened to a full on orchestra, please do, start with anything by John Williams. Simply an amazing experience, music truly is a gift from God. Music can change lives, can sooth a crying baby, can heal heartbreak, it can bring people together.
If you are stuck listening to one genre of music, I am asking you to branch out, go to ITunes or Amazon, close your eyes and choose something different, you will not be sorry. It will expand your mind, sooth your soul and enrich your life.
Alright peeps, that is all I have for now. Tomorrow is Friday; I am looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday.