Month: November 2015

I’ve decided I will no longer advertise my blog on Facebook and Twitter. This way I can write what I want, no one really reads this anyway, and the few people that actually see my Facebook and Twitter updates won’t miss being inundated with blog updates. 

It’s raining and cold, therefore perfect, I have the back door open. I love it, the rain soothes my soul, the cold matches my personality. 

My mood today is morose, more thoughts on how truly alone I am in this world. I wish it would snow, a blanket of white would be lovely. I don’t feel alone when it snows, I feel God is speaking to me when it snows. 

Christmas will be here soon, I’ll decorate this weekend. I love Christmas, however, I’m still alone during that time. Sometimes I drive down the street of houses lit up with so many lights and my heart hurts. I realize that it’s just me looking at lights, I don’t have anyone to look at them with me. 

I still remember the year my children told me they didn’t enjoy driving around looking at lights. I haven’t been out to look since, it’s not as fun alone. It just serves as a reminder of how I will spend my dotage. 

Maybe my nursing home will have lights I can look at. I have no illusions, I will be in a nursing home. My children all have their lives, as it should be, their lives have no room for a crazy old woman. Which I am sure I will be. 

That’s all I have for now, I’m going to go back to the rain. 

I hate Thanksgiving, there, I said it, the thing you’re not supposed to say. It is a day that reminds me of what I don’t have. I don’t have a family to spend it with, my children spend the week with their dads’ family. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they do that, I would never want them to miss out on that. 

Getting back to me, my parents are deceased and I don’t have any siblings. I know what you are thinking, I could spend the day with friends. I did have an invitation, but the thing is, I feel out of place. Like I’m intruding on someone else’s family. 

I’ve felt that way my entire life, like I’m intruding, not really belonging. My birth mother should never have had children, she had four, she gave all of us away. But not before we were scarred. 

I’m happy I was adopted, I had great parents, but I didn’t belong. Their children made sure I knew that, I was introduced as Angie, she’s not real, she’s adopted. 

So, I hate Thanksgiving, it just shines a light on my inability to belong. 

I know this is a day I’m supposed to reflect on everything I’m grateful for, but it’s hard for me. I am thankful to God I have a roof, food, job and amazing children. 

I’m thankful I get to spend time with my granddaughter. I’m thankful both her mother and father allow me to spend time with her. 

It doesn’t take away from the fact that this day is hard as I feel like it gives me a glance into my future. That I am not real, I don’t matter in anyone’s life, when I die I won’t be missed. 

I’m happy for all who have families they get together with and celebrate this day with. But I genuinely hate Thanksgiving. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, a bad habit, I know, however, with all that is happening in the world and in this country it is unavoidable. I can’t do anything about what is happening in the world abroad, however as a citizen of the United States of America I do have a voice. It’s a voice that really won’t be heard, however, I can choose to speak.
I have been thinking a lot lately about Civil Disobedience, reading Thoreau is ubiquitous in American high schools, so it should not come as a surprise that the events happening in our country brings that to mind.
The one thing that stands out and I keep repeating in my head is his argument that individuals should not permit a government to overrule their consciences, the people have a to not acquiescence to a government that makes them agents of injustice.
The main things that drove Thoreau to make these statements and write and give lectures on this was the Mexican-American war and slavery.
He was very anti war and anti slavery, while I know we don’t have slavery today, partly in thanks to people like him and them speaking out actively doing something about it, we do have war.
It seems, every day, we are closer to that war being fought on our own soil, something that has not been done since WWII. I am not including September 11, 2011 in this as our own planes were used against us. There was nothing for our military to fight back against on that day, the events just unfolded in a shocking and horrifying way.
It seems we are at a crossroads again in this country, just the way we were in 1848, when the collective conscious said no, no to slavery and no to the Mexican-American war. The war didn’t stop, but people spoke out about it, and their voices were heard.
We are an unique country, we can speak out, we can say no, we have the right to stand up and tell our government we will not acquiesce to tyranny, we will not give up our right to bear arms, we will, as a people stand up and be heard.
There seems to be an underlying current in our great country in these times, we are tired of the status quo, of being thought of as weak by other countries. It is a situation we are not used to, since the shot that was heard around the world was fired in Concord. I believe we forgot who we were for a while, we became complacent, and in complacency you will find apathy and stagnation.
We are waking up, we are finding the people that are supposed to look after our best interests here and abroad are indeed not. And, yes, I do know it has been this way since the beginning of time, however, here, in this time, in this place, people are waking up.
It is not right to tax a people to the point of breaking, and no you do not deserve a free college education. You are provided a basic education for free, anything beyond that is on you, go work for it. Show the world you are not a whining, selfish children, show the world you care about the country that you live in.
If you want to change the way things are done, read Henry David Thoreau, all of his works, it is worth the time and effort to do so. I don’t know if they still have students read Walden in high school anymore, however, if you have read it, re-read it.
I know there is a bit of rambling here, I am filled with rambling thoughts, therefore must get them out in the that way.

The other night, here in the DFW area, we had a storm, where I live it was a light show. I ran outside to watch it, decided to try and capture it on film as it were. Ran back in for my camera and could never get what I wanted. It was then I realized I was supposed to enjoy it, not capture it, so I stood and watched God’s incredible show. And it was truly glorious and a balm on my soul.
I believe, in today’s society, with the advent of so much technology that we forget to be in the moment. We are always trying to capture it on our cell phones or other devices, that I believe, we miss out on the pure enjoyment of the moment.
I was reminded of that with the lightening show, I am grateful the camera didn’t capture it and I took the time to put it down and simply watch.
Don’t get me wrong, pictures are a powerful reminder of situations, family moments, lost family and friends. However, sometimes it is just nice being in the moment and enjoying what is happening around you.
I still have not added Facebook back to my phone, nor twitter, the only place I see it is on the computer. I get on my computer in the mornings to read Dear Abby and look at the comics, I love starting my morning like that, gently. Also, to write this, I don’t enjoy writing on my phone, too small and I am too old. Bad eyesight and all that.
Also, since the election is coming up, in all honesty, I don’t want to see it, the mud slinging, the oh if you are voting for so and so unfriend me. If one cannot be friends with someone who thinks differently politically, well, you don’t deserve any friends.
I am more focused on stress levels and growing in my relationship with God, I believe that those are the important things for me right now. I do believe there are some seriously messed up things going on in this country right now and they will only get worse before getting better.
I do not feel the need to air that on social media, or to criticize or be criticized by people who think differently than I.
I am going now, I will be enjoying the quietness and perhaps watching a movie before Doctor Who tonight. What? You knew something nerdy had to work its way in here somehow.

I made a decision last week, I decided to get off of social media for a while, as in Facebook and Twitter. I admit I still looked at Instagram because, well, the pictures are fun and I don’t get notifications for that one. Except when tagged or Elizabeth Anne wants me to see something.
I deleted Facebook and Twitter from my phone, I did this for me, not because someone said or posted something I didn’t agree with. I’m an adult, I can handle it when others don’t think like I do.
I wanted to see what life was like without those two things, an experiment if you will. I have to say I enjoyed it, we live in a world that is barraged with others are doing, thinking or saying. Instantly, the news is but a touch away, knowing what our friends are doing is right there.
The experiment made me realize that I liked it not being on my phone, I will keep it deleted for now, I say for now because no one knows what the future may bring.
I am back on Facebook and twitter on the computer only. If I am away from the computer, which is a lot, I tend to go on in the mornings or when I want to express a thought. Or make my grocery list, I do that on the computer so I can print it out, my handwriting leaves a lot to be desired.
I did find one thing fascinating, I kept getting messages on Facebook, it taught me a lesson. Not everyone reads everything I write. So therefore I don’t need to put everything on there. Which I didn’t, but now I know I am not the center of everyone’s universe. Shocking!
For those of you that don’t really know me, that is sarcasm, so I say hello to social media in a limited amount.