Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Once upon a time there was a little girl that believed in the inherent goodness of others. Then she grew up, she learned that people are not inherently good, that there is a darkness that lives in the hearts of people.

Fighting off the darkness is a full time job for some, ok, for me. I am a preternaturally happy person, but it hides a darkness. Just as an example, when I’m driving I wish death on people, actual death. In my defense these are people that drive slow or cut me off. If you do neither of these things you have nothing to worry about. Thank God, He never listens to that part of me. Otherwise people would be dropping like flies, which would cause major wrecks. I spend as much time praying for forgiveness after my drive as I did driving to my destination.

Does that one particular habit of mine make me dark? No, not that alone, I will tell you this, I typically am drawn to the villain in any given storyline of movies, comics or books.

Darth Vader, Loki, Lex Luther are just a few that come to mind. I feel they are misunderstood. Let’s explore:

Loki is gleeful in his lust for power, he is filled with glorious purpose. May favorite line in The Avengers. He gleefully causes mayhem and destruction wherever he goes. He should be a king, he has the blood of kings flowing in his veins. Once he knows this, he wants his rightful throne, on any world. It doesn’t matter. Filled with glorious purpose.

Darth Vader embraces his darkness and greatness ensues. What is not to love about a person who embraces his inner, true self? He takes his duties seriously and he can choke someone by just his thoughts! Who would not want that skill?

Which brings us to Lex Luther, Lex always believed what he was doing was for the greater good. He saw Superman as a threat, an alien invader. Stronger than anyone on the face of the planet. If he decided to wreak havoc who could stop him? Lex’s heart is in the right place, it was his methods that were questionable. He was and continues to be a perfect foible for our hero. Someone who actually wants to keep him in check. I’ve had a few of those in my life.

We all have that capacity for darkness, well, not all, my mom didn’t have it. But the rest of us, well, yes, we do have that darkness. We all fight against it, no one I know personally fully embraces it.

I admit, I embrace parts of my crazy and parts of my darkness, not all, just the ones that are fun for me.

I once had a therapist tell me I was the most mentally healthy person he had ever met. I know what my issues are, embrace the ones I like and throw away the ones that are detrimental to my well-being.

I would love to hear what you consider to be your darkness. You can comment here or email me at angie@angieworld.com

Who Knew

So, ok, did you all know you have to have a license plate on the front of your vehicle? I had no idea that was an actual law until the very nice Highway Patrolman pulled me over last night. He was very sweet and of course I was my usual charming self. He gave me a warning and I have to figure out how to get that thing on there. It’s in my trunk.

Last night I learned my little Sith Lord will be playing the drums in the band next year. I am stupidly excited about this. I tried out for drums at her age and was not chosen. I played the clarinet in the band in OKC. Before that I played the Bass and Cello. I am so excited for her, I can’t wait to go to those band recitals.

Her choir program was last night, it was so cute, I feel very fortunate that her mom contacts me to tell me about that stuff.

I didn’t get to workout last night because of the program. So I will be going tonight, on a Friday. I am also at work today, on a Friday. Just in case anyone was wondering, I’m on lunch right now.

Oh and speaking of, I talked to a Craig on a Friday! Some people will know why that is huge. For the rest of you, google the movie Friday. You will not be disappointed. It’s hysterical.

Well that’s all I got for now, no more strange dreams, which is good.

Things are getting real

It’s getting real people. The big road trip is in October and I talked BFF Tammi into going with us. So now it is Shay, Tammi and myself. Shay and I have already chosen our trip nicknames so now we need one for Tammi. We are having shirts made. I’m so excited.

Elizabeth Anne gave me the best backpack for Mother’s Day. You can put water in it! Like in the backpack! I’m so excited! And a T-shirt that says Wander Woman.

I told Tammi that Shay and I eat basically the same. She is very excited that she gets all the junk food. Hahahahaha

So, last night I had the weirdest dream. I woke up at 3:30 then fell back asleep and that is when the dream occurred.

I went to a friends house, I don’t know who because I never saw them. I walked in and yelled I’m here and they said I’ll be right out I’m in the shower. There was a picture window exactly like the one in the house I grew up in. I was looking out that window when I saw a little dog walk by with a harness on, behind that dog was a bigger dog in the harness. They were pulling a wagon, a covered wagon, like wagon train wagon. A woman was driving it, in the very back there were two golden doodles sitting. Human sitting, not dog sitting. It was weird.

I started hollering for my friend to come out and see this sight. Then I woke up.

I don’t know what it means but it was weird.

Angry Workouts

Lately my workouts have been fueled by anger. Med ball slams are my best friend, last Thursday I was going at it so hard that the trainer, Josh looked at me and said are you ok. Just working through some stuff. I’ll be fine.

The level of my intensity has gone up about 10 fold, I guess I have a certain someone to thank for that.

The past week I felt discombobulated and disconnected fromGod. I had allowed myself to become so deeply self involved that I lost my connection to God.

I contacted a friend of mine that is a super prayer warrior, on par to my mother. I told her I had been going through some things and asked her to pray for me. She asked me if I had ever gone through a deliverance ceremony. I said no, imagining Burt Reynolds and banjos. She said come to my house Friday at 11. So I did.

It was very intense prayer and brought up things I’ve never dealt with. Stuff from my childhood. I did t even realize I was carrying that baggage around still. It was cathartic, cleansing and freeing. After it was over I felt like a weight had been lifted and I was connected to God again. I can hear Him and feel His presence again.

All is right in my world again. Oh I’m still confused and a little sad and angry. But I have clarity and a renewed sense of direction.

Happy Monday People! Once again any comments can be left here or you can email me at angie@angieworld.com.

Happy Mother’s Day

Here we are again, Mother’s Day, a day we celebrate motherhood in all forms. I am a mother, I love this day, the day my children pay homage to me. After all I ruined my body so they could have life. It seems only fair I get a day to celebrate that occurrence.  I wouldn’t change it, the whole ruining my body to have them, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. This includes all of them that I have given birth to.

I especially want to recognize the mothers who didn’t ruin their bodies to give birth. The ones who adopted, fostered or took in the children of other women who could not, for whatever reason, raise the ones they gave birth to.

My own mother was one of these special women, she didn’t have to be my mom, she chose to be my mom. She very literally saved me, without her and my dad I don’t even like to think about what direction my life would have gone in.

She was a special woman, filled with kindness, gentleness and a will of steel, when God created her he broke the mold because He knew there could be only one. Yes, I know, I stole that, but it is fitting, so there you have it, plagiarism at it’s finest.

I am happy to tell people I am adopted, legally adopted, for any family members reading this that like to pretend I’m not real.

My mom used to tell me that she got whatever God wanted her to have with the others (the ones she gave birth to) but with me, she got to choose. I was chosen, oh, that makes me the chosen one. I’ll have to think about this for a little bit and come back to it, perhaps at a later time.

Thinking back to before adoption has always been painful for me, I tend to push it way back, never dealing with it. I dealt with it this past week, along with a host of other things. Being adopted was the pivotal moment in my life, it changed the trajectory of my life, without that moment happening I would not even have the children I have. It is with no exaggeration that I say it was the greatest moment in my life.

So to all the mom’s out there that got to choose, God Bless you and may your life and the life of your chosen children be as amazing as mine as been.

No More

I know everyone is probably chomping at the bit for an update on the Mr. Owasso situation. He is of the past, I know, so soon, so sudden.

I was found lacking, he dumped me so hard it was felt all the way on the other side of the world. No, the universe. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what happened, I can’t figure it out. I’ll tell you the timeline of the events and maybe one of you can figure it out and explain it to me.

We talked on Friday, nothing earth shattering, we ended the call with me going for a run and him working out. I sent him a text after my run to tell him about it and he replied.

The next day, Saturday, I sent him a text, nothing heavy, just a funny meme I saw. No response, it didn’t really require one, so no big. I called him later that day, no answer. It’s getting a little weird at this point. I don’t hear from him all day, mind you up to this point we have talked every day, several times a day, not to mention text all day. So it’s getting awkward.

Sunday rolls around, I decide that I’ll try one more time, I call after work. No answer. This time I actually took the hint, I’ve been ghosted. So, that was it, no fight, no confrontation, just over.

If I call or text anything further that is bordering on crazy stalking territory. So I’m done, I have nowhere to go with this.

Quietly into the night I go. I don’t know how to process any of this. I genuinely liked him. I have never laughed more with another human being.

I believe he found someone local that matches his level of perfection. Due to the fact that I most certainly do not. He came to the realization he could do better and he did. I believe that. I have no proof, but there again, I don’t need any, I have my imagination.

This is painful, this level of rejection. How do humans do this? I’m not doing this again, ever. This is ridiculous, the amount of pain I feel for someone I haven’t known that long. I cried, I’m not a crier and I cried Kim Kardashian ugly cry. For two days. I haven’t slept, I’m forcing myself to eat healthy. I really want to stick my head in a vat of double fudge ice cream.

Working out is helping, medball slams really help.

I will never do this again as long as I live. I know I’ve said this before, but I really mean it this time. It’s too much, I allowed someone in, and when they decided I wasn’t the one they just disappeared. No closure, not even a text saying you’re not all that and I’m moving on.

I refuse to do this again, I feel like my heart was ripped out and I was just thrown away like yesterday’s garbage. So no more anything for me, I will stick with the cat and dog.

If any of you can figure out what I did for this to happen please tell me. You can comment here or email me at angie@angieworld.com.

More Running

I have decided since I don’t go to the gym on Fridays I would add running on that day. This past Friday was my first time doing it. Let me tell you the whole thing was drama filled. So I drank my preworkout, which is awesome. And gross.

So I start out, I lock my front door, put my key in my pocket, headphones in, phone goes in same pocket. So I run and run then 2 miles later back at my front door. I key, it has somehow fallen out. There is no hole in the pocket, it must have come out when I took my phone out to change the music. Panic stricken I retrace my steps. More running, fast walking.

No key.

I did the only thing left to do, I called Elicia, Alex’s girlfriend, luckily they were just about to leave their house. I was still running. I was able to get their key and make it home. 5 miles later.

Yes, I ran 5 miles, it was run, walk, run, walk for 42 minutes. I did 5 miles in 42 minutes!! I felt like a champion. And disgusting, I was dripping sweat. So gross.

I feel skinnier already. That is my real goal, it always has been, to be skinnier. I so do not want to hear about healthy blah blah blah. If I want to be skinny I get to say that.

On Saturday I did not run, instead I swept, vacuumed and mopped every piece of tile in my house. Then I brushed Stormie, I swear after I was done I saw her fur gather together and create a new Husky.

I also saw Avengers: Infinity War Friday, I’m still processing. It’s gonna be a while, I cried.

Running

A few weeks back I shared how Ray had challenged me to run after my workouts. I have been doing just that. I hate it. But I do it. The first time I ran I timed myself.

I timed myself again tonight and I had shaved 29 seconds off of my time! I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but for someone like me who hates running and is not good at it, it’s huge.

It encourages me to continue, if I can see progress I’ll keep doing it. I’m even more focused during my workouts. I was one of those people that continually asked what did you just say.

I’ll make a confession, Mr. Owasso, who works out all the time and does all of the supplements, told me about a pre-workout he takes. So I found it and have been adding it to my routine. It’s amazing how much more I’m focused and how things have improved. He’s suggested other things I have incorporated as well. Don’t tell him, he thinks he’s right about everything as it is, I don’t need his ego to get any bigger.

I still am waiting for him to realize he can do better, I’m not going to tell him he can. That’s something he has to figure out on his own.

Strangeness

The past few nights dreams have been disconcerting to say the least. Plus I do believe I have lost my mind, no, I do not need affirmation this is true, I will submit the proof myself.

First up I have a favorite cup, it is one of those really good insulated ones. I bring it to work every day filled with my green smoothie. It keeps it cold for as long as I am drinking it. I drink a smoothie for breakfast and lunch. The cup is a very important part of my day.

Well, on Tuesday afternoon I discovered it was not with me, I thought I had left it in the downstairs women’s restroom. So, on my afternoon break I went down and discovered it was not there. So, of course, the only natural conclusion I could draw was someone had stolen it. I proceed to tell anyone who would listen, my cup is gone the building has thieves. Everyone is very concerned about my cup, or maybe my sanity, I can’t decide.

This goes on until Thursday, when, at lunch, I go to my usual bench outside. What do my little myopic eyes spy, why yes, it is my cup. Sitting there in silent condemnation, I had abandoned it on Tuesday, did not come back until Thursday. I was so happy to see it, then I had to go back and tell my coworkers. I have to admit, I laughed so hard I had tears, of course the first person I called to tell this story to was my BBFF.

Next up are my really strange dreams, first I dreamed that my back door was wide open and it was pitch black outside and in my house. I hear a noise and I look up and there is a man standing at my backdoor. It was one of those dreams where I could not move or scream, and he just stood there, menacingly. It’s at this point I must say I’m glad I live alone. I’m pretty sure I woke up with a scream. I haven’t had a dream that horrifying in a long time.

The next dream was last night, I dreamed I went with two friends to their plastic surgeon. Now, these friends really do get fills and botox regularly, so them being in my dream was not off the mark. Anyway I went and was talking to the doctor about fills and botox for me. Once again, not out of the realm of possibilities with me. So, he talks me into these two procedures, it wasn’t a hard sell, I willingly said heck yeah.

He used sawdust for the fill, it was awful, I looked like Jack Nicholson’s version of the Joker. I was horrified and begged him to redo it, that’s when the botox was injected, once again, awful results. That nightmare was worse than the strange man at my house. The moral of that story is I will not be getting fills or botox any time soon.

I hope everyone has a great Saturday, a fantastic weekend and an amazing life.

You can leave a comment here or email me at angie@angieworld.com.

Mr. Owasso

So it has taken me a while to process my weekend, I’ll try and put it into words that are actually readable.

My Saturday really, I don’t know any other word to describe it other than perfect.

I spent all day Saturday with Mr. Owasso (a name he hates, but has to live with), and we did nothing. When I say nothing I mean we watched old movies (Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson), we watched Wonder Woman, The Big Bang Theory, Young Sheldon and a couple of episodes of the Dinner show, not sure of the actual name.

We talked, we laughed, we played Battleship, yes, Battleship, which he won, all three games.

Next time I will soundly trounce him in Trivial Pursuit, he has no idea who he is dealing with when it comes to completely useless facts.

I’ve never experienced anything so easy, fun and comfortable. It’s more than a little disconcerting, when will the other shoe drop. When will he stop being less than perfect?

He’s still funny, smart, snarky, sarcastic, irreverent, sweet and still super cute. The last part was from 16 year old Angie. 54 year old Angie thinks that as well.

I still can’t get past it, men my age don’t look the way he does, seriously, I want to ask him if he really is that kid I went to school with.

Because I have seen the others we went to school with, nothing bad about them, at all, but man alive, they do not look like he does.

It is more than a little intimidating, he’s perfect and well, I am not.

Being a woman of a certain age and having had more than my fair share of children, well it causes insecurities and doubts about me. He could do so much better in the looks department, not the personality or brains part, I’m pretty snobby about those parts of myself. I think I’m really smart and funny, so there’s that.

But the other part, he so totally could do better. I hope he doesn’t realize it.

That’s all I have for now, oh, while I was in Oklahoma I did go to Owasso and found Owasso Rams socks!! How does one find those socks and not buy them? I don’t know the answer to that because I bought them.

As usual any comments can be left here or sent to me at angie@angieworld.com