Finding Your Passion

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about finding my passion, finding the one thing I love so much I’d do it for free. Finding your passion is finding the thing you are supposed to do with your life. Granted this is something I should have figured out in my 20’s, but I didn’t. Then my 30’s went by and I was very busy raising children and putting food on the table. Then my 40’s went by and I didn’t do it, and here I sit, in my 50’s not really knowing what direction my life should go.

Yes, I do realize that is insanity, at an age where I should, by all accounts, wind down and enjoy my dotage, I feel like I am just getting started.

I had dinner last night with a woman that has found her calling in life. She is so passionate about it, when she began to speak about her passion she very literally lit up. She glowed from the inside out, I have to admit I was a little envious, not the green kind, but the kind that makes one reassess their own life and goals.

So here I sit, thinking about my future, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. My one passion is Dean Cain, however, stalking him cannot be a full time job. Or can it?

I find I’m really apathetic about a lot lately, mainly the trajectory of my life. I am not passionate about anything, really, except words. I am passionate about words, they have power, the power to heal, the power to decimate someone, the power to organize, to save and they have the power to bring people together.

When I was 4 years old my grandpa taught me to read, he was exhausted from me begging him to read to me. So he did what he had to do, for his own peace. I can so clearly remember him sitting me down and teaching me, my grandmother came in and asked what he was doing. He told her he was teaching the baby how to read. She said he shouldn’t do that, she went on to say I was pretty and I didn’t need to know how to read. That men don’t like smart women, that is actually proving to be a true statement, for the most part. There are men who do like smart women, those are few and far between. It has been my experience, and it is limited, I admit that, the men I have met want women to be subservient, to be less than. It’s disheartening.

I digress, I am finding me, not me in other people, I could always write an advice column, I love telling people what to do. But then I would feel bad when it all imploded on them. I think I’ll not do the advice column, I’ll leave that to Dear Abby.

I believe that one’s passion comes from God, we hear it all of the time God given talents, abilities, so on and so on. I am still trying to figure out what gift or talent He gave me. I do believe He does give them to everyone, it is up to us to figure out what they are and how to use them.

Back to me, Vampire Slayer is out, I’m too old, those are usually 16 when they start. I’m not an Earp so demon killing is out, I’m not Cordelia so having the PTB speak to me through visions is a no go. Plus I really don’t want to be demonized, although visiting with Skip would have been awesome.

Any real thing I have a passion for has passed my by, I am going to have to really think about this. It is a conundrum, I would love some suggestions from others. What are you passions in life? Have you been able to realize those passions? Have you been able to make a living from them? Does it matter to you that you make a living from your passion? Is it something you do for free? The woman I had dinner with is altruistic with her passion. It is truly inspiring, the more I get to know her the more I like her. I am referring to BBFF’s GF, in case anyone didn’t get that.

I would love to hear from you out there, what are you passions and how do you use them.  You can leave a comment here or email me at angie@angieworld.com.

Traumatized

This morning I suffered sever trauma. I may need a leave of absence to get past it.

Every morning I get up and let Stormie out, I leave the backdoor open so she can go back and forth. She always comes in and watches me put on my makeup and do my hair. She is very judgmental regarding my grooming process.

Anyway, this morning she doesn’t come in, she stays out. So I go to call her in and put her in her kennel as I have to leave. At first I don’t see her and I panic, unbeknownst to me, she snuck in and she was already in her kennel.

I turn to shut the door and I see she is acting funny, sneaky, suspicious. I make her move and there was a dead, bloody rabbit.

I scream, loudly, go get things to get the dead thing up with. I had to force her out of that kennel. She was not giving her prize up without a fight.

All this time I am screaming like someone tried to do to me what was done to that poor rabbit. I am hugely surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police. I’m pretty sure I sounded like a maniac.

So now I am traumatized and don’t even know if I can look at my Husky when I get home.

BBFF has a GF

The following is not a paid advertisement, even though dinner was bought and adult beverage treats were consumed.

So, last night, a momentous occasion happened, there were no cameras or microphones to capture any of it.

I met BBFF’s girlfriend for the first time, I admit I was a little trepidatious before this auspicious meeting.

For two reasons:

  1. His ex-wife did not care for me.
  2. This woman is a thousand times the woman she is.

So, I was a little worried GF would not like me. I have to tell you this, my fears were allayed somewhat when she sent me a Facebook message asking if I would play a prank on BBFF with her. She had me at prank.

My fears were for naught, meeting GF was nothing short of a revelation. She is not only extremely pretty, she is smart, funny, quick on the draw and extremely warm. She is exactly who I would have chosen for BBFF.

No exaggeration, if I had met her out in public and we had spoken for any length of time I would have said, you know I have a friend you should meet.

I had the best time, we laughed so much my stomach muscles hurt the next day. I even told the Scott Baio story, in it’s full glory. She told stories of her own, funny stories of her family and herself.

We all know I am not a romantic individual, I lack in that area, but seeing them together, well they were downright cute. I do believe I am a little less jaded today than I was yesterday.

I have also succeeded in drawing her into my Dean Cain obsession. If anyone can pull off me actually meeting him, it has to be her.

Back to the prank, it was pulled off beautifully, BBFF was totally drawn in and believed what we were saying. The look on his face was so worth the effort. Then we had to tell him we were pranking him, he was beginning to believe it a little too much.

All in all it was a great beginning to what I believe will be a beautiful friendship between GF and myself. Which has to be a relief to BBFF as I will stop using him as a girl sounding board and use her instead.

As usual, any comments or questions can be left here or email me at angie@angieworld.com

Happy Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day, that day we take to celebrate all of the Father’s in our lives. The ones we share DNA with, the ones that chose to be fathers without DNA being involved.

My own dad was the latter, sort of, we did share DNA, just not father/daughter DNA. Blood wise he was my great uncle, my grandpa’s brother, legally, he was my dad. He chose to be. As anyone who knows me or has read me, knows, I am adopted.

My dad was a great dad, he basically took a feral child and made her into something resembling civilized. There are some areas in which he succeeded swimmingly, others, not so much. Let’s focus on the ones he succeeded in.

My dad taught me to laugh, to see the humor in everything, to not take myself and life’s curveballs so seriously.

He taught me it was ok to fail as long as I got back up and approached the problem from a different angle. Don’t continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome.

He taught me to trust God, to trust that in the end, everything is going to be ok. To pray and have a daily conversation with God, don’t just rely on Him during the bad times, but rejoice in Him in the good times and there is good everywhere. Even during the bad, good can be found, and what we think is bad can really turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I have had many of those in my lifetime.

He taught me it was ok to be me, to be my real self, to read constantly, never to become complacent. Always learning something new, and to never rely on anyone else for my own opinion. He valued self education so much, he was the smartest man I have ever known.

I miss him every day, there are so many times I would love to know his opinion, his wisdom, his advise and I have to rely on what I think he would say. I hope when I see him again he is proud of the person I became, I know I have made some questionable decisions, but over all, I think I did ok. We’ll see.

My grandfather was my first real father figure, he taught me about kindness and graciousness in the face of adversity. He taught me about being non-judgmental, acceptance, he loved without question. I miss him every day as  well, he was the first person I ever felt completely safe with.

To all of the Dad’s out there, whether by DNA or by choice, happy Father’s Day, I hope your day is filled with nothing but joy and happiness.

To the father of my children, I couldn’t have chosen a better dad, no matter what he has always been there for them. Whether they liked it or not, he was there, his presence was very much a force to be reckoned with. He was there when they did something good, when they did something they shouldn’t have. He taught them hard work pays off, that it matters what you do and to not accept societal limitations. You taught them what it means to be self-made and what it means to put in the hard work in life. So, happy Father’s Day to the father of my children, I hope you enjoy this day and enjoy your children.

As usual any comments can be left here or sent to me at angie@angieworld.com

I Love Me More Than I Love You

I have a confession to make, I have never really dated in the way I believe normal people have. I had to really think about it, I got married at 19, stayed married for 10 years, I dated one person after that and when he said we’d make pretty babies I ran away to Colorado for a week. Thank goodness cell phones were not ubiquitous back then. He had no way of contacting me.

After that I didn’t date, I focused on the three humans I was responsible for, they were the life I chose. They deserved my time and attention, I know a lot of single moms meet men and remarry with great success. However, in my case, there was no way I could have allowed a man into my household. He would have wanted to be able to discipline my children and that was never going to happen.

I was and remain a bit of a control freak, I knew that it was not in my nature to relinquish that amount of control in my household. I saved myself and some man a great deal of heartbreak by being as self-aware as I am.

Then when the kids were grown enough I dated one man, got engaged to said man, and that was disasterous, but it lasted for a good amount of time. Time I wasted, so much wasted time.

Now, here I am, 54 years old and never dated, I am a serial monogamist, that is what I am. I just want one and done, is that too much to ask for?

Dean Cain, I seriously need you to just show up on my doorstep, fall in love with me, my dog and cat and that be the end.

Credits roll, we laughed, we cried, we danced at our wedding and people applauded.

Unfortunately real life isn’t like that.

There is this line in the first Sex and the City movie that Samantha says, “I’m just going to say the thing that no one is supposed to say, I love you, but I love me more.” That is a great line, and it fits me.

I do love me, a lot, there are only a few people I love more than me, I gave birth to the majority of those.

I have incredibly high standards these days, I don’t think it is too much to ask for intelligence, integrity, kindness, sarcasm, humor and good looks. I mean, seriously, I have all of those things, why would I not want those things in a mate? I don’t want an opposite, I’ve tried that and it was disastrous, a couple of times.

I find I cannot be a serial dater, it is stressful for me, I know that old saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your king (I don’t want a prince), but I’ve done that bit. From now on I am going to just Nancy Reagan it, no more frogs, I am waiting for a king to show up. Where he will be, I don’t know, maybe on a trail in Montana, maybe on a goat island in Oklahoma, maybe here in Texas.  I do know it will not be a fellow Owassoan, that was majorly disastrous. However, I have always said God has a sense of humor, especially when it comes to my life. Having said that, I will put no constraints on what God has in mind for me. I just know he will be funny and handsome, cute, good looking, at least in my eyes. Oh and did I mention age appropriate, no more inappropriately aged men, that equals disaster as well.

Happy 107th Birthday Dad

Today would have been my dad’s 107th birthday. Not a typo. He was born June 3, 1911. My dad was a pretty awesome man, he was and remains my go to example of how a man is supposed to be with the woman he loves, his children and his God.

His laughter was quick and infectious, his love was boundless and his steadfastness was a given.

On this day, the celebration day of his birth, I am going to tell my favorite story of him. If I have done this before, accept my apologies now. Cause it’s happening.

I was about 15, it was before I could drive, I know that, my dad was in the den and I was in the living room. It was a Sunday and it was in between football and baseball season. My dad didn’t watch basketball.

He finished the Sunday paper and was bored. I have to preface this with my dad loved a good argument. Not a fight, an old fashioned, well thought out argument. He took one side and I would have the other. My points had to be well thought out and backed with fact. Not an emotional appeal. Logic.

This particular Sunday, this time of boredom, he put the paper down, walked into the living room, stood in front of me and said the Indians got what they deserved.

Before anyone says anything, he didn’t believe that, he had simply chosen his side of the debate.

I took the bait, stood up and we went at it, back and forth. He’d volley and I’d dodge, I’d volley and he’d lob it back at me.

I don’t know how long we had been like that when my mom walked into the room. One, two, three until she got to 10. My dad looks at her and asks why she is counting. Every number is a dollar off of her allowance. Now this was 1970 something and I didn’t have that many dollars in my allowance. I said he started it! She said yes but you know better.

I sat down, instantly, my dad grumbled all the back to the den. My mom walked off whistling all the way back to her sewing room.

30 minutes later my dad was back in front of me and we were off and running. I hear 1, I sit, my dad looks at my mom and says you’re ruining my fun. She said yes, but I’m keeping my sanity.

My dad stands there for a second, looks back at me and says I think I need to check the bottom land. I could use some company. I ran to get my jacket and before the door shut completely we picked up where we left off.

I miss that man so much, he taught me to laugh at life, to trust God and to know my worth as a human. I’ll always be grateful to him and my mom for the life they gave me.

So happy Birthday Dad, I hope you are having the best time with your beautiful wife and with your son, Jesse.