Tag: alone

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Thanksgiving Choice

Apparently I have become an object of pity, I don’t even know how this happened. Wait, that’s a lie, I do know how this happened. I did it to myself, I have cultivated a life that is void of any human contact except for work and my children.

I am such a creature of pity that even my ex-husband decided to invite me to Thanksgiving. I politely declined, as I politely declined every Thanksgiving invitation.

Why you ask, its simple, Thanksgiving is family time and I don’t have one. Yes, I have my children, but at Thanksgiving they are purely their dad’s children. I gave up any thanksgiving rights a long time ago. I will not be reclaiming any of them, I refuse to go somewhere that I feel awkward.

My parents are gone, I am adopted, my siblings never saw me as real, so their families don’t see me as real. One brother is gone, the other is in a nursing home and my sister has her own family and I’m not real anyway. So I would not e spending any holidays with anyone who thinks I’m not real.

I have cousins, but they have their own families, once again the awkward thing comes into play. Its one of the reasons I don’t go to many family reunions. Because they all have shared experiences and memories and well I wasn’t there and it’s awkward. So I stay away, I’ve never remarried, so I’m alone, with a dog and a cat.

Its fine, I did it to myself and i’m good with it, for the record I had 4 invitations to Thanksgiving dinner, but they are not my family and well awkward. When you are with family you relive stories and catch up and you don’t really want a stranger sitting there with nothing to offer. It is really for the good of all I don’t show up to anything. I tried a few times and I always feel like the lone person out. So I stopped going to anyones home for a family affair.

Apparently I am an object of pity now, so old that no one would ever want me for a life partner, I mean men my age are demanding and getting much younger women, and my children are their fathers children on Thanksgiving. I would never dream of insinuating myself into that situation.

I feel it would be disrespectful to his wife, this is her show and she should be front and center in this family holiday.  Her husbands ex-wife should never show up for a family holiday. My daughter pointed out that we all get together at Easter, but this is at my son’s home. Not theirs, if it were at theirs I would not show up, because it would be disrespectful and here’s that word again, awkward.

I write all of this not for anyone to feel sorry for me but because I need to get it out, I need to expunge my feelings in writing.

I have no regrets about my life and the way it turned out, i’d do almost everything over again. I’d only change one small thing and I think we all know what that is.

So Happy Thanksgiving, if you have family and are with them, cherish it, I wish I had known the last time was the last time I would have a real family Thanksgiving. I think I would have cherished it more, I would have saved every minute in my memory bank so I could bring it out and relive it.

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Fears

Since Halloween is I thought I would take a moment and share what really scares me, no it is not goblins, ghosts or anything else that goes bump in the night. Those things would be a welcome change to the reality of my life. No what really and truly scares me the most is losing my hair. I don’t want to be a bald wrinkled woman. I know that is considered to be vain and vapid by most, but truly, the most horrible things that could happen to me have already happened.
This month marked the first anniversary of one of my best friends death and also the 27th anniversary of my sons death. Some years are worse than others, this year has been bad, probably due to outside influences, but I miss Michael so much this year. Not being able to go and put flowers on his grave has been particularly hard on me.
I don’t fear death, I don’t fear dying alone, like so many people do, I have always known that I would die alone, I have spent the majority of my life alone, I have always known the end of my life would be no different. Really when you think about it, dying alone is preferable, when you die your body does strange things. Better for that to happen where no one can witness it, that way it wont be their last memory of you.
Michael, I love you, I miss you so much, there has never been a day that you have not been in my thoughts and in my heart.I wonder which one of your siblings you would be the most like. I wonder what you would have looked like at all of their ages, I wonder what it would have been like raising all of you, together. I know that your grandparents and great grandparents are with you and looking out for you until I can do that again. Love, Mom