Tag: grandparents

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Merry Christmas

It’s here, Christmas, well, Christmas Eve to be exact, this is the day that we celebrate as a family. My family is bigger this year, with an added son-in-law and Alex is bringing his girlfriend; bigger is better. It was good with the four of us, now there are more and it is greatness, I love that we have more people at the table.

This time of year is a double-edged sword for me, I love it and I hate it, I hate it due to the fact that I miss my mom so much. This was our time of year, she would hide the presents and I would find them. It was our game, and we loved it, one year she thought she had out done me. That I had not found that years presents, however, I did, and she knew, but we did not confess until years later that I found them and she knew I had found them.

I still remember the first time I couldn’t go home for Christmas; I was pregnant with Elizabeth Anne, very pregnant to be exact. My doctor laughed at me when I asked if I could sit in a car for 5 hours to go home. I took that as a no, I called my mom to tell her I would not be home, she told me it was ok, she had been expecting the call. She told me not to do anything foolish, don’t do anything that would put the baby at risk. She then told me no matter what, she knew that my heart would be with hers for Christmas.

She was the first person in my life that made me feel like I belonged, my grandparents did their best, but I always knew I wasn’t like my cousins. I didn’t have a mom and dad that wanted me, I lived with grandma and grandpa and great aunt Effie. They lived with their mothers and fathers, I was different, I didn’t belong, I would like to reiterate here, they never said anything to make me feel like this. My cousins loved me, I just knew I was different, then God gave me parents.

A mom and dad that loved me, taught me things, accepted my nerdiness, in fact encouraged it, along with being outside and active.

I pray my children know that no matter where their lives take them, their hearts will always be with me, that I will always be in their corner. As of now, their lives are close to mine, I can spend time with them, see them and talk to them without hundreds of miles separating us. I am blessed beyond belief and am grateful for it.

So, today, the day we celebrate as a family, the birth of Christ, our Lord and Savior, I am reminded of how much I have been given. I was given grandparents, a great aunt, aunts and uncles and cousins who loved me. Then I was given parents that loved me and guided me into adulthood and prepared me for motherhood. I have been blessed with friends who became family, friends who have seen me through some of the toughest times in my life.

I have no complaints, no what if’s or druthers, I have a future to look forward to as I know God will continue to work in my life. Bringing me friends and new family members to add to my many blessings.

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Loss

Well I gave up sugar again, I started last week, I am feeling better physically and yet craving it so very badly. I love sugar, if I could marry sugar I would, but I am staying off until Christmas, then I admit I plan on indulging in homemade sugar cookies and my no bake oatmeal cookies. Then back on the wagon, which will be hard however I know I can do it.
Does anyone else have this issue? A huge addiction to sugar, where you actually have withdrawal symptoms when you cleanse it out of your system? I am irritable, a little shaky, not quite the DT’s, but close, no hallucinations, yet, man, its tough!
Saturday’s show was really good, in case you missed it you can listen on our website, http://www.convosate.com, we are also in ITunes, you can subscribe to the podcast and it will download automatically. We talked about grieving and the holidays that is something I face every holiday and have for a long time. When one is surrounded by older people from a young age you face grieving sooner than you should have to.
There are so many people I miss this time of year, my grandparents, my parents, my son, my great aunt Effie, one of my best friends Sandi, Chewie. I also have a grand daughter who is in heaven; it is a tough time of year. However, I have my memories and I hold them close to me, they comfort me, they sustain me. I have so many memories of Christmases with my cousins at my grandparent’s house, the warmth, the laughter, the food. Those early years the memories are jumbled, but they bring such warmth to my soul, it is almost like I can reach out and touch them.
When I get sad, and I do get sad at times, I think back to all of the happy, fun times I have had with the people I miss and it makes me smile. I also think of where they are now, and the amazing celebration they are having. I know without a doubt they are having the best time, because everyone I know that has passed, they are in heaven. I honestly don’t know how people who don’t believe in a higher power handle grief, where do they think their loved ones are? I know without a doubt I will see my people again, I will have a joyous reunion with them, I will get to hug them, laugh with them and catch them up on all that happened after they left us. They will take me around and introduce me to relatives who went before I was born. I have vivid images of what it will be like, however, I know that I don’t have an imagination vivid enough for how it will really be.

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Someone is Watching

How does one let go of anger? That is the question of the day, I find myself so angry lately, it is not healthy. I have to learn to let certain things go, and I am having issues doing so.
When people think they are never going to be caught they do things that if they thought they would be held accountable they would never think of doing. I firmly believe that when I die, not only is God going to hold me accountable but I will also have to answer to my mom and dad and grandparents. I am more worried about what my mom will say to me than God. I have to be honest about that. It keeps me from doing a lot of things I should not do, but want to do. Some people should be grateful for that.
For the people who have nothing to keep them in check, no belief system, well they are the ones that do the horrible things. They have no remorse, no guilt, no conscience, they have no morals.
I am not talking about people who do things then are repentant, they have spoken to God, answered for whatever it is, and are moving on. Those are not the ones this is about, this is about the people who contentiously do the wrong thing. The hurtful thing, the thing they think they wont get caught doing. Someone is watching, no, not big brother, but someone. I believe in a higher power, I do believe that eventually what you do catches up with you and you do pay a hefty price for your actions. Which is why I try not to purposefully do anything that is going to get me the mom look when I do see my mother again. I also do not want my dad shaking his head at me, that was always so harsh. For me. As for my grandpa and grandma and great-aunt Effie, I do not want the first words they say to me to be “What were you thinking? We raised you better than that.” If you are doing something that you know to be the wrong thing, and you think no one is watching, think again. Someone will always find out. It is better to stop, drop and roll. I use that because you are playing with fire and are about to get burned. Not by me, I don’t have the energy for that, my energy is being directed toward something more positive these days. Oh look, my anger is gone, wow, this is cathartic. Happy Monday everyone!