Tag: vain

Today has been a tough day, food wise, everywhere I look I see things I want to eat. The other day, the Irishman said something I didn’t understand, and for once it was not his accent. I asked him if he liked me better now that I am 30 pounds lighter, he said he just wanted me to be healthy. Major cop out, he doesn’t want to say if he likes fat women or skinny ones. Just freakin be honest with me. I told him, I didn’t lose weight to be healthy, I lost it to look good, he said that was the wrong attitude. It is not, for me, I couldn’t give a rats behind on the health benefits of losing weight. I did it, and continue to do it, so I can look good, I am vain, shallow and I don’t care! I don’t care who knows it, I don’t care who calls me that, I take it as a compliment. I look forward to the day I have my first plastic surgery procedure. I don’t care about anyone else and the reason they lose weight or eat healthy, all I care about is me. And I want a simple answer, which do you like better.
I don’t think anyone really realizes how hard this is for me, I could live on puffy cheetos and diet coke, I have a hard time enjoying books these days because I would always read them while eating puffy cheetos. Those days are gone, it is hard to sit and read without eating. I admit that. I am completely jonesing for sugar right now, I could live on it. I can make a whole meal out of cookies and cupcakes. And the coffee treats, giving those up has been the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I don’t understand why this is so hard for me, every pound lost is hard work. I work hard every day not to eat things I want to. Every pound comes off grudgingly. None of this is easy and I hate it, I hate it worse than anything on earth. Well, not snakes, I hate snakes worse than not being able to eat whatever I want.
I don’t understand why some people get to eat whatever they want and never gain an ounce, they are naturally thin. Why did God choose me to make this so hard? Why did he give me the fat gene? Did I do something bad in a former life? Because this has always been a battle, I was a chubby baby, I weighed 9lbs at birth, I was a chubby kid, a chubby adolescent, in high school I lived on celery to become thin. Then I got married, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, the weight never left me. It is so incredibly hard and I am exhausted with the effort, today is the day I want to just break down and buy the huge jar of cheeto balls at Target and stick my head in it and eat. I want to get up, go into the kitchen and make those sinfully good cookies. The kind that is made out of pure sugar, the kind that when you put them in your mouth the sugar just melts. Amazing goodness, that I cannot have, or I will gain weight in an instance. Three days of eating, three days, I gained six pounds, I lost 5 the first week back on Weight Watchers and the other went the week after. I hope you now see, that if I eat like a so called normal person, the weight flies onto me. There is no stopping it, I do believe it waits in dark corners, just biding it’s time until it can jump back on my waist.
I know I have a lot more to lose, I am no where near being classified as thin, I have such a long way to go, I understand why people just give up. If you have never battled weight, you will not understand my exhaustion.
It is a choice I make, it is a choice I will continue to make, I do not want to be in a double digit size. That is me, all me, I do this for me, however, getting an honest answer would be great once in a while.
Do you like the way I look now, or do you want me to be fat again? Is that a hard question to answer. I don’t want a crappy answer like oh I love you at any size. Seriously?
I know I am old, I know I don’t look like I did at 19, that makes me sad, I honestly did not appreciate my looks while I had them. If I could get that body and face back I would do it in a heartbeat.