The other day I was having a conversation with my cousin/nephew. Cousin by blood, nephew by adoption, mine. Anyway, I made the comment that I was never supposed to have been with someone. As in I was never meant to have a great love in my life. I belt stunned him.
Allow me to explain, I was never supposed to exist. My biological mother had four children, she should have had none. I was number four and the result of something bad happening to her.
I was not wanted and shouldn’t have existed in a perfect world. I think God looked down when o was born and said dang she wasn’t supposed to happen but here we are.
I have been alone since then, oh my grandparents loved me but if I’m being honest, I was a burden to two elderly people. Then for roughly 7 years I lived in literal hell. My biological mother took me away to live with her and her husband. Let’s just say it was proven then that God did not hold me in high regard.
But then when I was 12 I was rescued, I had parents, siblings, a family. God took pity on me.
Then I married, I believe that angered God, because I was meant to be alone. After my son died I think He took pity on me. I got to have my beautiful three children.
Then I was a single mother, a statistic, but I was finally what I was supposed to be, alone.
I do meet someone and actually got engaged, once again, not what God wanted. It was disaster. He was horrible.
Thank goodness that ended.
This walk down memory lane really made me think about not being one of God’s favorites. It reminded me of a Star Trek episode, the one where they are sent back in time and they have to beam a pilot aboard because they damaged his plane. Spock tells Kirk that they can’t send him back. He’s done a historical search and this man is not remarkable. He’s ordinary and contributes nothing to society.
The man is stunned and you can tell the life goes out of his eyes. Ordinary, unremarkable, contributes nothing. As a kid I didn’t understand that, as an adult I feel that keenly.
But here’s the flip side, later in the episode Spock tells Kirk they have to send him back. His son does something remarkable and contributes to society in a meaningful way.
It’s that part, I’m unremarkable but my children are not. They are extraordinary, amazing and my son’s children are extraordinary and amazing!
That’s why God allowed me to have them, so they could make a difference.
I’ve always known that I’m God’s joke, when He needs a laugh He looks in on my broken life and laughs. The perfidy of a human, thinking they matter when they don’t.
I do look at other people’s lives who are clearly in God’s favorites and wonder what that feels like.
My parents were some of God’s favorites. That doesn’t mean they had an easy life, quite the opposite. They grew up in a tough era in Oklahoma and our country. But they had each other, I often wonder what that would have been like. To have someone to share burdens with, share responsibilities with. Sometimes I wonder how I was singled out to not have that type favor. Then I remember, I wasn’t supposed to exist.
Angie World 