Today is not a good day, well, really the whole week is just a bust emotionally speaking, today is Michael’s birthday. He would be 28 years old today, I still remember the day he was born vividly, it was hot, of course, I was tired of being pregnant, he was late. The doctor induced labor, so it was very intense and painful, then his heart rate dropped and they decided to do an emergency c-section. The cord was wrapped around his neck, they managed to untangle him and he took his first breath. He was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 8 pounds and 10 ½ ounces, a head full of black hair. He was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and he belonged to me.
We got to keep him for twelve amazing weeks, he was perfection, he laughed, he cooed, he discovered his toes. At twelve weeks on the dot God decided he wanted Michael to come home. It was horrendous, my heart was ripped out of my chest and something else was left, it was beating and keeping me physically alive, however my soul was gone.
I was so angry with God for a long time after that, I never stopped communicating with Him, but the anger was deep and palatable. I don’t really remember the day it left, I just remember waking up one day and realizing I was no longer angry. I was telling a friend of mine, when I was pregnant with Elizabeth Anne, about the anger and I told her that I fully believed if I had died during that time I would have not gone to heaven. She began to cry, she said the profound thing I had ever heard, she said “Angie, who better to understand your pain than one that lost his own son, one that watched their son die a horrific death, you know he took care of your son because he knew how much Michael meant to you.” Whatever residual anger I had dissipated, just like that, I knew, deep in my soul that I could tell God anything and he would understand.
I try not to be sad on today’s date, I am rarely successful, I still miss Michael as much today as the day he went home. I look forward to seeing him again, holding him, talking to him, singing to him and being his mom again.
Stagnation = Death
Do you ever feel like your life is standing still? That is called stagnation, if your life is standing still it is stagnating. My grandpa used to say that one should never be content in life, contentment leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to death. He was always reading, always learning, always doing, he was a great man and a great example of a life well lived. No, he wasn’t wealthy in material means, he was wealthy in knowledge, in faith and in love. Yes even a cynic like me can recognize when someone loves well, I wish I were more like him.
You see I feel like I am stagnating, I am not moving forward in my life, I feel like I took a turn somewhere I wasn’t supposed to. I should be in a different place now, I should be doing something with my life. Defending the helpless, making a difference, perhaps even furthering my education. I feel as if my grandfather would be disappointed with the life decisions I have made. I never wanted to let him down, of all the people that have influenced me, he is the one person that I never wanted to disappoint.
I don’t know what I want to do, or what I should do to get my life moving forward again, I don’t know where to start. I know only I can make those decisions, I have often said that I wish God would come down and show me the map of my life. Show me what turns I am supposed to take, the forks in the road to avoid. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you look at it, we have free will. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy my free will, however once in a while being told what to do would be nice. Like when we are children, wear this, eat this, don’t stick your hand in the fire. Things of that nature, I really wish someone would have told me, don’t stick your hand in the fire. Metaphorically speaking, of course, as adults, we are expected to already know how to make the correct decisions for our lives. However it is not always so simple, so clear cut.
There are days I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of apathy, no where to go, no one to turn to, then I remember the one constant in my life. God. He is always there, and he always listens. I still want him to tell me where I am supposed to go and what road my life is supposed to go down. However I am the only one that can make these decisions, I really, want to make the correct decisions.
Wednesday Thoughts
Do you ever wish life were easy? Do you ever look at someones life and think wow God must really love them, their life looks so easy. I have, I admit it, there is a couple I used to go to church with and their life looked so easy. It seemed they had and continue to have everything, I would just look at them and think God must really love them, and then wonder why God didn’t love me like that. Then upon talking with a friend she told me the things this couple had gone through, I realized that God loves us all the same and we all go through things that no one knows about. I realized everything I was going through and would go through in the future was not of God’s making, but of the worlds making. God would be able to use my experiences and how I handled them through Him to possibly help others in the future. So here I sit today realizing that God loves me, He is always with me and I am the only one that control how I react to the world around me.
I have nothing to contribute regarding the things I have been through, some things are not for public fodder, some things are simply my own.
Today is Wednesday, next week this will be my day off, I am so looking forward to that new schedule! A day off during the week to run errands, to schedule an eye appointment, dentist appointment, have lunch with friends, really anything, such a luxury, and still have my Saturday and Sunday off! Wow, could anyone ask for anything better? I think not!
I really need to make a run to the Goodwill and drop things off, I do believe that will be my first Wednesday project. I know this means getting up at 4am instead of 6:30, but I am up for the challenge. This is going to be fun!
For now, I am finishing my coffee and putting my makeup on and making sure my hair is presentable, 3 more days then new schedule time! What are you all going to do with your Wednesday? Me, well I will work, then work out, woohoo, big exciting plans! I hope everyone has a great Wednesday, in the words of my friend Sandi, go out and make it happen.
Workout
Last night Zumba about killed me, the instructor, Heather, was on fire, we even added some new steps. I was sweating like a pig, I don’t even know if pigs sweat, but I imagine if they do it was like I did last night. As you all know my workout partner is my friend Kay, I met her when I changed teams and moved desks, it never fails, I meet the most interesting people every time management has me change desks.
This time I was sat next to Kay, I had never met her before as she always worked nights and I have always worked days. She switched her schedule to days and ended up next to me, lucky her. Actually I consider myself the lucky one, Kay is opinionated, honest and doesn’t take kindly to fools, in other words they sat me by someone just like me, in that respect. I am going to tell a little about Kay’s story, I don’t think she will mind, if she does, well as she says, it is easier to ask forgiveness afterwards than gain permission in the first place.
Kay is a cancer survivor, by the time she went to the doctor she was in stage 4 breast cancer, she had let it go for so long. She let it go for so long that her surgeon actually wrote her off, he lopped off her breast and left nothing for reconstruction, that is what he thought of her chances. Her plastic surgeon had to do some really fancy work to fix it, however, fix it he did. I believe it was at this point God looked down and said to his Angels, hey, this doctor thinks he can predict the time and date of Kay Lynn’s death. Let’s have some fun, shall we? Not only did Kay bounce back, she beat the cancer and as of today is cancer free, she is a walking testimony to what God can do, I fully believe he uses modern medicine to show his miracles. I love Kay’s resilience, her attitude is joyous, rarely does anything get her down. I am going to miss my workout partner, this time she chose a shift that once again is partly in the nighttime, so our workout schedules will be different.
On that note, I am looking for a new workout partner after next week, I will be getting off at 5pm, so if you want to workout with me on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday then it is on, like Donkey Kong!
I feel fortunate that every time I am moved next to a new person it ends up being someone that I genuinely like, I also believe God puts me there for a reason. I learn more about what He does in other peoples lives, I learn about the adversities they have overcome to get to where they are and I get a new outlook on life. I believe everything happens for a reason, we don’t always know what it is, and trust me when I tell you I have a list of questions ready to go for when my time comes, I will continue to enjoy sitting by new people at work and learning their stories.
My First Influence
Today is International Womens Day, so I would like to tell you about the first woman who influenced me. My Grandmother, Lela Mae Hammond Testerman, who was nothing short of amazing. They say I am a lot like her, I tend to think I am, she really didn’t enjoy cooking all that much. She had a few signature dishes that everyone loved, if there are any Testermans out there that have her chicken and dressing recipe, I totally need that. She had a sweet tooth, and an insatiable appetite for hollywood gossip. Oh and the romance novels, I totally get that guilty pleasure from her.
She was fierce in her love for her family, she would defend any of us to the death, if she didn’t like what was happening, well denial was the word of the day. She taught me how to walk in a hoop skirt because she was convinced the fashion would make a comeback. She once told me that I didn’t have to be so smart because I was pretty, she was not joking. To this day I see that point of view, I see it in the world, I now understand what she was talking about. However, let me tell you something, my grandmother was smart, and funny, and she married well. Not in money terms, in character terms, she totally knew how to pick ’em as the saying goes. She was a good Christian woman, who placed her faith in God and would tell me she was sure everything would work out in the end or come out in the wash. She was my best friend, when I moved away from her I would write her long letters, I am talking 10 pages long, filled with all of my girlish hopes and dreams. She never once put me down for those, she would write me back telling me about her days, the church and Burt and Lonnie’s latest antics in the National Enquirer.
I miss my Grandma terribly, I know I will see her again, I am keeping a mental log of what has happened to her favorite celebrities so I can catch her up when I see her again.
More Thoughts
Today is the memorial service for my former minister, I have struggled with going or not going. I have made the decision not to go, not out of any protest or because of the way his life ended. I made the decision based on the fact I have not gone to that particular church in several years. The family remains in my constant prayers, I simply cannot imagine their grief.
I read something on, of course, facebook that struck me. A person said that it is strange that someone is judged by their last act on this earth. She was speaking of people who choose to end their own life. What that statement made me think of was my grandfather, my most vivid memory of him is his last day on earth and how he chose to live it. He was 82 (I think), that morning he worked in the garden, then off to the church to work on the roof. Yes, the actual roof, he climbed the ladder and worked on the roof, a man in his 80’s. Then he came home and worked on the car, the came in and sat down and had a massive heart attack. His last day on earth was devoted to the church he helped build, it was devoted to making sure his family had food to eat and transportation. That is how I remember him and how I, for lack of a better word, judge his life. What I am trying to say, in my most convoluted way is that we are all judged by our last act. Whatever it is, it is not unique to that particular situation.
I can only hope that my last act on earth will be as equal to his, he was amazing and it is a hard legacy to live up to.
I am going to choose to remember my former pastor for his service to his parishioners and to the community. His sermons at times inspired me and frustrated me, I believe with my whole heart he tried always to do what he believed God was telling him to do. Frustrated due to the fact I believe he had an antiquated way of looking at women in ministry. I have said that before and I stand by it. I don’t believe in sugar-coating things. However, I always admired him due to his beliefs. I know he will be missed, by his family, the people in the church, the people he touched during his mission work in Russia. He truly was a man of God.
Someone is Watching
How does one let go of anger? That is the question of the day, I find myself so angry lately, it is not healthy. I have to learn to let certain things go, and I am having issues doing so.
When people think they are never going to be caught they do things that if they thought they would be held accountable they would never think of doing. I firmly believe that when I die, not only is God going to hold me accountable but I will also have to answer to my mom and dad and grandparents. I am more worried about what my mom will say to me than God. I have to be honest about that. It keeps me from doing a lot of things I should not do, but want to do. Some people should be grateful for that.
For the people who have nothing to keep them in check, no belief system, well they are the ones that do the horrible things. They have no remorse, no guilt, no conscience, they have no morals.
I am not talking about people who do things then are repentant, they have spoken to God, answered for whatever it is, and are moving on. Those are not the ones this is about, this is about the people who contentiously do the wrong thing. The hurtful thing, the thing they think they wont get caught doing. Someone is watching, no, not big brother, but someone. I believe in a higher power, I do believe that eventually what you do catches up with you and you do pay a hefty price for your actions. Which is why I try not to purposefully do anything that is going to get me the mom look when I do see my mother again. I also do not want my dad shaking his head at me, that was always so harsh. For me. As for my grandpa and grandma and great-aunt Effie, I do not want the first words they say to me to be “What were you thinking? We raised you better than that.” If you are doing something that you know to be the wrong thing, and you think no one is watching, think again. Someone will always find out. It is better to stop, drop and roll. I use that because you are playing with fire and are about to get burned. Not by me, I don’t have the energy for that, my energy is being directed toward something more positive these days. Oh look, my anger is gone, wow, this is cathartic. Happy Monday everyone!
Angie World 