I was standing in the kitchen when I had a sudden memory of my grandmother, I was about 4 or 5 and I wanted something in the kitchen. I don’t remember what, but knowing me, it was probably a cake she had just made. She told me no, I told her she hated me, nobody loved me. She stopped, turned, looked at me and began to sing, Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I’ll go eat worms. I just stared at her, then burst out laughing and skipped outside to presumably find worms.
There is no one that loves us more when we are at our most ridiculous like family. I have since sung that song many times and it has always brought a smile to my face.
The more I look back, the more I know how my grandparents and great aunt Effie formed who I became in those first years they raised me. Yes, raised, I didn’t simply grow up; they raised me to become a responsible adult. A contributing member of society, a proud American, a vocal Christian and someone who stands up for those who can’t stand for themselves.
Someone who doesn’t back down from life, who faces the challenges head on and makes difficult decisions. I look at society today and wonder where the parents went? When did raising children to become adults go away? Where did these parents come from that believe children are born knowing all they need to know? Do they not realize if they don’t teach them morals, dignity, grace under pressure, how to think for themselves, no one will?
I take Tessa to places and am blown away by the way parents do not watch their children at these places. I am also blown away by the bad manners of these parents as well, their parents were also lacking in the skills necessary to raise adults, apparently.
My grandfather taught me such a strong sense of what it means to love this country, while my grandmother taught me how to wither someone with just a look, and that food meant love. My great-aunt Effie taught me that in all things love really is the answer. Whether it is to admonish someone for bad behavior or to simply helping a stray animal.
They were the first three adults in my life; the things I learned from them are standing the test of time.
Attitudes
Yesterday my good friend Shanon posted something on Facebook (of course) that brought up a memory of my grandfather. Her post was, “Being Nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them. Be Blessed!”
I was reminded of a story my grandpa used to tell of a man he worked with. This man HATED my grandfather with a passion. Every morning my grandpa had to pass him when going into work. He would smile and say a genuine good morning. After about 6 months the man couldn’t stand it anymore. He stopped my grandpa and said in the nastiest tone, why are you always nice to me? You know I hate you. My grandpa looked at him and said because Jesus commands me to. You can be as mean and as nasty to me as you want to be. I can’t control you. All I can control is my reaction to you. At that point the man broke down and began to tell my grandfather about his life. Because of this he was able to share Christ with this man. You never know how your behavior changes others.
This is what I, myself have to work on, you see, when I dislike someone who has treated me badly, it shows, on my face, in my tone, in my body language. Every ounce of my being says I don’t like you, I should not behave in such a manner. I had great examples showing me exactly why I shouldn’t behave this way.
Controlling your own behavior is really the only control we have over ourselves. Once we realize that we can then behave in a manner that is befitting what we say our belief system really is.
I say this for myself, I need to control me, not anyone else, as I write this I am reminded that the person this is speaking to is me. This is not one of those times I am irritated with others and am telling them they need to take a hard look at themselves.
I am talking to me, the man in the mirror as it were, it all starts there, within myself. We only have the power to change ourselves. We can’t change the way anyone else treats us, we can only change the way we treat them.
Headstone
A life well lived, that is what I want on my headstone, I think I have finally decided.
I would like a purple coffin, tons of music, food, fun and laughter. Yes, laughter, I want people to be happy that I went home and to celebrate a life well lived.
They say home is in your heart, I have Jesus in my heart, does that mean I am in heaven on earth?
There are days my mind wanders to what heaven will be like. I imagine it with the streets of gold, which morph into visions of the Elysian fields. Maybe I read too much, nah, no such thing as reading too much. However, I could have watched too many episodes of Hercules and Xena.
The bible tells us that everything we love is in heaven. If that is the case I believe I will see Chewie again, and Arthur and my cat, and definitely Gypsy and Whiskers. I am going to need a big backyard with my mansion.
I believe I will be greeted by my son, mom, dad, grandpa, grandma and Great Aunt Effie. Then I will go visiting, I will see my birth mother, my aunts, uncles and cousins that have gone before me. What a celebration we will have.
When I leave this earth, and no matter how much I think of myself as being immortal, I know it will happen, I want everyone to know I have had a really good time during my tenure here. That my life was worthwhile, that I contributed while I was here. That I did a good job with my children, I had the privilege of raising. I am always amazed God gave me the ones he did.
I want everyone to know how they have influenced my and my thought process. My deep love of Oklahoma, how proud I am to be an “Okie”. To have the influence of Owasso in my life, the stability and acceptance I found there, and my best friend for life.
I would like everyone to know I had morals, that was instilled in me from a young age by my grandparents and later my mom and dad.
How much all of my Sunday School teachers meant to me, how much I respect them. Having been a Sunday School teacher myself I know how much work goes into preparing the lessons. Thank you for sacrificing to teach the classes I was in.
I would like very much to know that my life has meant something, that I was an influence to others as they influenced me. As I am about to travel to Oklahoma to celebrate the life of a woman who influenced many, I think about what will be said about me when I go home.
I wonder if others are ever as preoccupied with these thoughts as I am or if it is a trait unique to my family.
Friday Addictions
Well, here we are, Friday, my old friend, you never disappoint, you always bring hope and Starbucks. I can never be mad at you, and after next week you and I will grow even closer as I will be alone with you every week.
Yes folks, after next week I will be working Monday through Thursday, having three days off in a row. It will take some getting used to, as I am loving having the day off in the middle of the week, but I am sure I shall soon acquit myself to the new schedule.
To celebrate Friday, Tammi proclaimed it Sassy Shoe Friday, I of course had to step up to the plate and indeed wear amazing shoes. Picture is on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I am sure you will be able to see them in one of those places. I know you are not supposed to play favorites; however, these shoes are special. Blue suede Steve Madden pumps, and yes I know it is not winter or fall even, however I could not resist, they are the sassiest shoes by far that I own.
I have my Starbucks, Peppermint Mocha with soy milk, so amazingly good, ever since Michelle convinced me to try soy, I have not gone back. It just makes the drinks richer; I love it, so creamy and good, filled with caffeine and just loveliness. Who can resist the coffee? Not me, I don’t even try, why bother, I am an addict, I admit it. No twelve step program for me, I revel in my addictions, whether it be coffee, chocolate or shoes. I am not giving up any of them! I don’t think they have rehab for those things anyway, so everyone is out of luck.
So many addictions so little time, my Grandpa always told me that Testerman’s are easily addicted to things. He warned me to never start smoking or drinking, that it was incredibly easy for us to become addicted to those things. He never said a word about chocolate or coffee, although he used to tease my Grandma about her coffee addiction. Oh, yes, I am just like my Grandmother in so many ways. I am argumentative, I believe I am always right, I believe my children and grandchildren can do no wrong, I love my coffee. Oh and I am also addicted to Hollywood gossip and romance novels, another thing she passed onto me. So there you have it, confession Friday, I do believe I shall stop at the book store on my way home and get some reading material for the weekend!
Happy Father’s Day
I am still overwhelmed by the weekend, however today is Father’s day and I feel compelled to write about the two men whom I considered father figures in my life.
The first one was my Grandfather, he was my first male influence, he taught me how to read, he taught me about history, not only our family history, but our country’s history. They were intertwined, he had to teach both to me. He taught me about the land, farming, animals, how you had to take care of both because they take care of you. He was a great man with a great love of life, an amazing sense of humor and a love for God that had to be witnessed first hand to appreciate. He found humor in every day happenings and passed that on to me, to this day I miss him and tell stories about him to anyone who will listen.
Next up was my dad, he was my adopted dad, in blood lines he was my great-uncle, my grandfather’s brother. It will not be surprising to learn he was a lot like his older brother, he had a keen mind, a sharp sense of humor and a gentleness that was hard to resist. He taught me what it meant to help others in need, we might not have had a lot of material things but what we had, was shared. If he saw someone in need that person was helped, immediately. There was no great discussion, it was all action, he gave me a sense of pride in helping others. He had great wisdom, I believe that was his gift from God, wisdom, I didn’t always put into practice what he had to say, but I always listened. I hope he knows that he taught me so much, and as an adult I do put into practice much of what he taught me.
He was a man who loved the land, he was happiest working in the garden with his beautiful wife by his side. You can’t really picture him without her, they were a team, in every sense of the word. Their marriage was simply beautiful, they would laugh at each others silly jokes and sit side by side watching Wheel of Fortune every night. With them I witnessed the most romantic thing I have ever been privileged to see between a man and woman, they read the bible out loud to each other every night. Something so simple, yet so profound, they taught me not to settle for less than the best that God wants for us.
I miss you so much Grandpa and Dad, I hope that you are having the best time in heaven and I hope that you know how much you gave me, a simple little girl, while you were here on this earth.
Stagnation = Death
Do you ever feel like your life is standing still? That is called stagnation, if your life is standing still it is stagnating. My grandpa used to say that one should never be content in life, contentment leads to stagnation and stagnation leads to death. He was always reading, always learning, always doing, he was a great man and a great example of a life well lived. No, he wasn’t wealthy in material means, he was wealthy in knowledge, in faith and in love. Yes even a cynic like me can recognize when someone loves well, I wish I were more like him.
You see I feel like I am stagnating, I am not moving forward in my life, I feel like I took a turn somewhere I wasn’t supposed to. I should be in a different place now, I should be doing something with my life. Defending the helpless, making a difference, perhaps even furthering my education. I feel as if my grandfather would be disappointed with the life decisions I have made. I never wanted to let him down, of all the people that have influenced me, he is the one person that I never wanted to disappoint.
I don’t know what I want to do, or what I should do to get my life moving forward again, I don’t know where to start. I know only I can make those decisions, I have often said that I wish God would come down and show me the map of my life. Show me what turns I am supposed to take, the forks in the road to avoid. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you look at it, we have free will. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy my free will, however once in a while being told what to do would be nice. Like when we are children, wear this, eat this, don’t stick your hand in the fire. Things of that nature, I really wish someone would have told me, don’t stick your hand in the fire. Metaphorically speaking, of course, as adults, we are expected to already know how to make the correct decisions for our lives. However it is not always so simple, so clear cut.
There are days I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of apathy, no where to go, no one to turn to, then I remember the one constant in my life. God. He is always there, and he always listens. I still want him to tell me where I am supposed to go and what road my life is supposed to go down. However I am the only one that can make these decisions, I really, want to make the correct decisions.
My Grandpa
I have discovered a new past time, Draw Something, you draw something, send it to your opponent for them guess what it is you have drawn. Yesterday I had the word Grandpa, so i drew a red Ford Falcon along with a stick figure, my opponent was my cousin Pat. He got it. Only one of my cousins would have gotten that. I remember that Ford Falcon so well, I remember riding in the front seat sans seatbelt, going for ice cream with Grandpa. My grandfather rocked, he had fried chicken or fried fish for breakfast every day, he had a wicked sense of humor and loved his garden. He did the laundry, not my grandmother, he did the sewing as well. He used to make me Barbie dresses out of my old dresses. I really wish I still had some of those doll clothes. He taught me the best soil to plant potatoes in, how to read and passed on a great love of animals. He was my favorite person on earth. He went home in 1977 and to this day I still miss him terribly.
If I could have 20 minutes with him today I would tell him how much he meant to me and how I try to live up to the standards he taught me. What I really remember the most is him reading the bible on the front porch, wearing his overalls, I think that is why I put my boys in overalls so much. Because they reminded me of my grandpa and it was something I could do physically to connect my children to him. I remember his smile, always there, always welcoming. My cousin Pat looks a lot like him, it is uncanny, to date I have yet to see another relative who looks like my Grandpa.
He loved wrastling and Gunsmoke, and yes, I meant to type wrastling, that was what he called it, they were the only two things he watched on television that I can remember. I also have vivid memories of the way he ate apples, he would peel them, and give me the peels and then slice the apple, salt it and share with me. He had ill fitting dentures and could not eat the peels, to this day I still eat my apples this way.
I loved going to church with him and Grandma and Great Aunt Effie, I don’t think I have the proper words to express how they made me feel. Safe, loved, wanted, welcomed, and above all a sense of belonging. That is what grandparents are supposed to make you feel, I can only hope I give that to Tessa.
Angie World 