The beginning of August is always a little bumpy for me, Michael’s birthday is today August 9, my mom passed on August 11, and now August 3 will be a little rough as that is the day my brother Jesse passed.
As most of you know I am adopted, everyone should really know that by now as it is, for better or worse, part of my identity.
Jesse was the youngest of my siblings, he was 20 years older than I. Even at that, he was a really great big brother in my teenage years. Jesse always had a mischievous glint in his eyes, even as an adult, you could tell there was something there, just under the surface, waiting to come out. A funny joke, a stinging comeback (for which we are all famous for) or comforting words.
He was equal parts funny, sarcastic, caring and a good son to my parents.
There is one time in particular that always comes to mind:
One day I was sitting in the den watching television and Jesse walked in. He didn’t say a word he just sat down next to me. He sighed heavily instigating the tell me what’s wrong conversation.
He looked at me and said you know Angie I told my kids that they shouldn’t even try to think of anything ornery to do because I’ve done it all. There is nothing you can think of that I have not done.
He was right about that, he was a really ornery child according to my parents. The original Dennis the Menace, please note, in my family orneriness is a gift.
I looked at him and said you’re stupid, you didn’t give your kids a warning, you issued a challenge.
He looked at me and said I realize that now. He went on to say those kids of mine thought of things I would never have thought to do.
I laughed for a solid five minutes because I knew that was true.
All three of his children were true Testerman’s, funny, smart and mischievous in nature. All of those traits are considered positive in my family.
This world will miss his humor, the glint in his eyes, the smile that made you wonder what he was up to and when the other shoe would drop.
I am completely grateful my daughter, Elizabeth Anne, traveled to Owasso with me to say goodbye. There are many things I will never talk about here, just know, that girl is my rock star, my hero, my protector when needed.
As usual, any complaints, comments or just to tell me how awesome I am can be left here or sent to angie@angieworld.com
Loss
October is an incredibly hard month for me, Michael died this month, my friend Sandi has been gone three years today and now Nocona has left us in the month of October. I am beginning to hate October, my heart is in about a million pieces right now.
I did get to pick up Tess from school Friday, so happy to be able to do that again, she was able to spend the night and we had fun on Saturday. We have discovered a new place to go, thanks to a friend at work.
It is called Kid Mania and it was so much fun we went twice, she loved it, a very physical place where a kid can get out energy and get a ton of physical activity in. I highly recommend this place for everyone.
Yesterday I posted a blurb on how I felt about myself, my looks in particular, I stand by it, it is how I feel about myself, it is how I have always felt about my looks. Melissa, your comments will not be posted and please know the drama you tried to stir up did not work. I spoke to the one you mentioned and she took umbrage with your words, she is trying now to find you to tell you that.
This won’t be long, I am going to run to Costco and the grocery before settling in for a night of television, it is The Walking Dead, Once and Revenge tonight. Very excited for the new season, I love when the new seasons start, it always reminds me of the beginning of school. I don’t think one ever outgrows fall, new shows, new weather and new teachers.
Oh, one more thing, I have a friend who is hysterical in his pain, he has a gift with words, I am trying to convince him to start a blog. Once I am successful with that endeavor I will be mentioning him often and create a link to his blog from here.
Saying Goodbye
The day I have been dreading, that we have all been dreading, happened yesterday, Nocona went home. The Irishman found her when he got home, he said he thought she was sleeping. She had climbed into a little chair we have and simply went to sleep.
Alex came and said goodbye to his friend and then we took her to Elizabeth’s farm and laid her to rest. She loved the farm so much, it is where she got the chance to do what she was born to do. Round up cattle. Jeff and Elizabeth dug the grave and the four of us said our goodbyes.
I still remember the day she came into our lives, you see I had promised the kids when we got back into a house with a yard we could have a dog. We had two cats, Mickey and Arthur and I seriously thought they would forget about the dog promise. Chewie would come to visit occasionally, I foolishly thought that was enough.
Elizabeth called me one Sunday and said Mom, remember that dog promise, I said vaguely. She said well we found a dog at the lake house and we are bringing her home. I said um what.
Well they brought in the dog, that they had aptly named Nocona, after the place the found her and soon she found her way into everyones heart. She was funny, sweet, loving, territorial, crazy and well, a complete Barsi.
She was the family dog, going with the kids to Jeff’s house on the weekends they were there, when my mom passed away, Nocona stayed with Jeff.
it is fitting he was there to say goodbye to our friend, our companion, family member, you name it she was it.
When I started dating the Irishman and introduced him to her, he fell in love with her as well, it’s hard not to.
She has stayed with all of us, with Jeffrey when I would go out of town if Elizabeth wasn’t able to keep her, with Jeff, Elizabeth and Alex.
The only time she has been parted from us was the 9 hours she was in the vets office without one of us. I know she was scared, wondering if her family had left her. I know in my heart that when I came back for her that was when her stress was relieved.
She lived longer than the vet said she would, yesterday morning she gave no indication she would be leaving. She followed me around, took her medications, ate, drank and went outside.
Now she has no more pain, and as my friend Jan said, Michael is getting his opportunity to be with the Barsi family pet. I know Nocona will take good care of him for me.
August 9, 1984
Today is not a good day, well, really the whole week is just a bust emotionally speaking, today is Michael’s birthday. He would be 28 years old today, I still remember the day he was born vividly, it was hot, of course, I was tired of being pregnant, he was late. The doctor induced labor, so it was very intense and painful, then his heart rate dropped and they decided to do an emergency c-section. The cord was wrapped around his neck, they managed to untangle him and he took his first breath. He was perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 8 pounds and 10 ½ ounces, a head full of black hair. He was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and he belonged to me.
We got to keep him for twelve amazing weeks, he was perfection, he laughed, he cooed, he discovered his toes. At twelve weeks on the dot God decided he wanted Michael to come home. It was horrendous, my heart was ripped out of my chest and something else was left, it was beating and keeping me physically alive, however my soul was gone.
I was so angry with God for a long time after that, I never stopped communicating with Him, but the anger was deep and palatable. I don’t really remember the day it left, I just remember waking up one day and realizing I was no longer angry. I was telling a friend of mine, when I was pregnant with Elizabeth Anne, about the anger and I told her that I fully believed if I had died during that time I would have not gone to heaven. She began to cry, she said the profound thing I had ever heard, she said “Angie, who better to understand your pain than one that lost his own son, one that watched their son die a horrific death, you know he took care of your son because he knew how much Michael meant to you.” Whatever residual anger I had dissipated, just like that, I knew, deep in my soul that I could tell God anything and he would understand.
I try not to be sad on today’s date, I am rarely successful, I still miss Michael as much today as the day he went home. I look forward to seeing him again, holding him, talking to him, singing to him and being his mom again.
Fears
Since Halloween is I thought I would take a moment and share what really scares me, no it is not goblins, ghosts or anything else that goes bump in the night. Those things would be a welcome change to the reality of my life. No what really and truly scares me the most is losing my hair. I don’t want to be a bald wrinkled woman. I know that is considered to be vain and vapid by most, but truly, the most horrible things that could happen to me have already happened.
This month marked the first anniversary of one of my best friends death and also the 27th anniversary of my sons death. Some years are worse than others, this year has been bad, probably due to outside influences, but I miss Michael so much this year. Not being able to go and put flowers on his grave has been particularly hard on me.
I don’t fear death, I don’t fear dying alone, like so many people do, I have always known that I would die alone, I have spent the majority of my life alone, I have always known the end of my life would be no different. Really when you think about it, dying alone is preferable, when you die your body does strange things. Better for that to happen where no one can witness it, that way it wont be their last memory of you.
Michael, I love you, I miss you so much, there has never been a day that you have not been in my thoughts and in my heart.I wonder which one of your siblings you would be the most like. I wonder what you would have looked like at all of their ages, I wonder what it would have been like raising all of you, together. I know that your grandparents and great grandparents are with you and looking out for you until I can do that again. Love, Mom
Angie World 