I hate weighing myself; however it is a necessary evil when engaging in a weight loss program. Since starting back with Weight Watchers I have lost a total of 12 pounds. Not easy my friends, I am tempted all of the time with sweets, that is my real downfall. I can control everything else, but the sweets, man oh man, is that hard.
I have also given up Diet Coke, all soda really, so this time around I have made even more changes, not an easy thing. I do love Diet Coke; however I have decided all of those chemicals are not good for me. If I can clean my car battery with it I don’t think I should be putting it into my body. So there you have it folks, I am doing my best to clean up my food act. I have definite addictions that I am doing my best to address, I figure if I can get a handle on the food thing then the rest should be easier to deal with.
This evening will be particularly difficult as I will be making cookies for Elizabeth Anne; she has a craving for the no bake oatmeal cookies. She is insistent that her mother make them for her, so make them I will. I know what you are thinking, why can’t she do this herself, after all she is 24, well let me tell you, I will continue to make her cookies as long as I am able to. As a mother I consider it my solemn duty to do the things for my children that I can. And this is a simple thing that she takes so much joy in, as do I, the funny thing is, before she picks up the cookies she is going to the dentist. Perhaps I should call them and tell them of her sugar addiction, now that would be funny.
She is skinny she can afford a sugar addiction, I have never been skinny, I could never afford a sugar addiction, even though I have one.
I will never give up my television addiction, even if some shows irritate me, I love television and movies. Speaking of movies, this coming weekend kicks off a long summer of greatness, Ironman 3 is coming out, and I am so excited! I love superhero movies and I love Robert Downey Jr and I love Tony Stark. The trifecta of movie watching! Tonight is Bones, How I Met Your Mother, Defiance, Revolution and Castle; it takes two days to watch one evening of television for me.
Back to Weight Issues
So I messed up big time, I stopped doing Weight Watchers and tried to do it on my own, I fell off the wagon big time, started eating sugary treats and doing whatever I wanted. Well people for the first time in a long time I weighed myself. Shocking to say the least.
Needless to say, I am back on the wagon, I started this morning counting what I ate, and will be doing so from now on. I am also thinking exercise time is in order. This is just shocking to say the least, I must get control of myself before summer gets here and I have to go to my family reunion as fat as well the proverbial calf.
I have also decided to give up diet cokes, I have been reading a lot about the chemicals and artificial sweeteners, and have decided it is not for me. So here I sit, with my sad dietary restrictions, we all know I will rail against this.
I shall sign off for now, pray for me, for my resolve, my determination to look good. Remember for me it is not about being healthy, it is all about the looks. I don’t even know how many ways I can see this.
Hunger Rant
Today has been a tough day, food wise, everywhere I look I see things I want to eat. The other day, the Irishman said something I didn’t understand, and for once it was not his accent. I asked him if he liked me better now that I am 30 pounds lighter, he said he just wanted me to be healthy. Major cop out, he doesn’t want to say if he likes fat women or skinny ones. Just freakin be honest with me. I told him, I didn’t lose weight to be healthy, I lost it to look good, he said that was the wrong attitude. It is not, for me, I couldn’t give a rats behind on the health benefits of losing weight. I did it, and continue to do it, so I can look good, I am vain, shallow and I don’t care! I don’t care who knows it, I don’t care who calls me that, I take it as a compliment. I look forward to the day I have my first plastic surgery procedure. I don’t care about anyone else and the reason they lose weight or eat healthy, all I care about is me. And I want a simple answer, which do you like better.
I don’t think anyone really realizes how hard this is for me, I could live on puffy cheetos and diet coke, I have a hard time enjoying books these days because I would always read them while eating puffy cheetos. Those days are gone, it is hard to sit and read without eating. I admit that. I am completely jonesing for sugar right now, I could live on it. I can make a whole meal out of cookies and cupcakes. And the coffee treats, giving those up has been the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I don’t understand why this is so hard for me, every pound lost is hard work. I work hard every day not to eat things I want to. Every pound comes off grudgingly. None of this is easy and I hate it, I hate it worse than anything on earth. Well, not snakes, I hate snakes worse than not being able to eat whatever I want.
I don’t understand why some people get to eat whatever they want and never gain an ounce, they are naturally thin. Why did God choose me to make this so hard? Why did he give me the fat gene? Did I do something bad in a former life? Because this has always been a battle, I was a chubby baby, I weighed 9lbs at birth, I was a chubby kid, a chubby adolescent, in high school I lived on celery to become thin. Then I got married, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, the weight never left me. It is so incredibly hard and I am exhausted with the effort, today is the day I want to just break down and buy the huge jar of cheeto balls at Target and stick my head in it and eat. I want to get up, go into the kitchen and make those sinfully good cookies. The kind that is made out of pure sugar, the kind that when you put them in your mouth the sugar just melts. Amazing goodness, that I cannot have, or I will gain weight in an instance. Three days of eating, three days, I gained six pounds, I lost 5 the first week back on Weight Watchers and the other went the week after. I hope you now see, that if I eat like a so called normal person, the weight flies onto me. There is no stopping it, I do believe it waits in dark corners, just biding it’s time until it can jump back on my waist.
I know I have a lot more to lose, I am no where near being classified as thin, I have such a long way to go, I understand why people just give up. If you have never battled weight, you will not understand my exhaustion.
It is a choice I make, it is a choice I will continue to make, I do not want to be in a double digit size. That is me, all me, I do this for me, however, getting an honest answer would be great once in a while.
Do you like the way I look now, or do you want me to be fat again? Is that a hard question to answer. I don’t want a crappy answer like oh I love you at any size. Seriously?
I know I am old, I know I don’t look like I did at 19, that makes me sad, I honestly did not appreciate my looks while I had them. If I could get that body and face back I would do it in a heartbeat.
Whale or Mermaid
What I am about to say is going to offend people, and well frankly, I don’t care. There is a picture of a plus size model who is naked going around on Facebook and other networking sites with the story of a woman who goes on and on about wanting to be a whale instead of a mermaid. Well, I don’t want to see that fat naked woman, yes, I said it, fat and naked. I can see that when I look in the mirror, that is why I choose not to look in the mirror when I have no clothes on. I don’t want to be a whale, nor do I want to be a mermaid. What I would like to be is a fit, healthy woman, who fits comfortably in a size 4. I don’t care how hated that makes me, I don’t care that I offend people. I am not going to embrace being fat, it is not healthy to have fat surrounding your heart, lungs, kidneys or other organs in your body. To call yourself curvy, a real woman (yes I am sick of that one, simply because I am not a size 16 does not make me unreal) or whatever euphemism is out there does not make you healthy. I battle with weight constantly and have since I hit puberty, I have friends who battle it, however I do not see them embracing being unhealthy, they are all concerned about their health. I do something to battle my weight issues, I am currently incorporating the Weight Watcher lifestyle into my eating habits. It works, I have said it before and I will say it again, if you have issues of that nature, there is an app for that. There are even free ones, MyFitnessPal is a good one.
I really don’t care to see the whale story anymore, nor do I want to see the fat naked plus sized model again. I am not a whale, I am not a mermaid, I am simply a woman trying to live a long, healthy life, the way my grandmother did. I want to see my grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and many greats after that.
Weight Loss Journey
I began my quest to lose weight in May of 2011, so far I have lost 26 pounds, I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, or like it was a fast loss, but being only 5’4″ every pound shows up. Some weeks have been easy and the weight has fallen off, others have been fraught with temptations, and yes I have fallen. There was my bout with fried chicken, disaster, I however have not fallen off the wagon for my old nemesis sugar. I have had no sour skittles, no candy at all, I have found skinny cows to replace that bad habit. But above all I stuck to the Weight Watchers plan, I counted every single thing that went into my mouth. The point system really does work, it is not always easy, but it is simple. I am not done, not by a long shot, I would love to be a size 4, I have said that before, I will keep saying it. I am not big boned, the term some people use to excuse their weight. I have tiny hands and tiny feet, I need the rest of me to match. I am still following the Weight Watchers plan and I am still losing weight. I encourage everyone that is having difficulty controlling their eating habits to just start keeping track of what you eat. I was amazed at how truly badly I was eating. I don’t think we realize how bad our habits are until we keep track of them. If I am going out to eat in the evening, I plan my days accordingly, eating mostly fruit during the day so I can indulge in the evening.
I probably would have lost weight faster had I exercised, but I have to tell you I hate exercising, however I know I must begin, I do not want to be flabby skinny. I want to be toned and in order to achieve that I must be active. So active I will become.
I hope everyone out there that is on a journey of their own finds success.
More Weight Loss
So this morning I weighed and I have lost even more, I can see my rib cage and I have clothes on that I have never been able to wear since buying them. I went through my closet this weekend and got rid of all of the clothes that are too big now. It is as if I have a whole new wardrobe, I am so very happy! I want to lose another 48 pounds, that will make me heartbreakingly thin, I cannot wait! I am following the Weight Watchers plan, I am sticking to my 29 points a day, I also eat a lot of watermelon. If you put salt on it, that curbs the craving for salty treats.
Yesterday I walked over 2 miles. I am very happy about that, I was not even tired, but I was very sweaty, which means you are sweating out the fat, right? I hope, I hate being sweaty for no reason! I hate to sweat period, so if it is not for a good reason forget about it.
I also got my new boots I ordered a month ago, they are Colin Stewart boots, and are fantastic! Brown suede, with only a moderate heel, but they are knee-high with the fold over top. Very nice indeed. I cannot wait for full on boot season!
Losing weight and being thin makes me happy, it is the one thing in my life I can control, and being a control freak, this totally helps when nothing else is within my control. I can understand why people become anorexic. It is a control issue, you can control your food when you can control nothing else. I do not believe I am headed down that road, but one never knows. I have a lot of body image issues, I fully and readily admit that. I refuse to be seen in a swimsuit, I refuse to show my legs, I refuse to show my stomach, my arms, well you name it. I do believe the Muslim women are onto something, along with the old-fashioned Nuns. Cover everything! However, here is where I differ, I love form-fitting clothes, nothing loose on me! I can’t stand too big or baggy clothing. I know it is strange for someone who has body issues. TTFN
Saturday Happiness?
Today is a very busy day, I am celebrating two birthdays, in the same day, Wanda and Gladys, pray for me that I don’t go over my Weight Watchers points! As of this morning I have lost a total of 25 pounds! I look totally amazing, I don’t even care how vain that sounds. It’s the truth, I am totally hot, well, maybe not in the way a 20 something is, but in the way a woman my age is, I am so there. Almost.
Today is a very busy day, so not a long post, but I just wanted to say I am doing much better. No more morose posts as they are not me, I cannot stay down for long, I don’t have the personality for it. Pity parties have never been my forte’, revenge, now that is a different story. I have been known to wreck as much havoc in the lives of the offenders as they have wrecked in mine.
I think I am going to need new clothes, yes this is a huge hint to my children for Christmas. They say they never know what to get me, however, they always come through, I never have to tell them what I want. Remember the purple boots Elizabeth? I still love them, best present EVER. I am now wearing a skirt that I bought and have never been able to wear, and it feels amazing. Some people at work yesterday told me I even look younger. Huge bonus! Must go to finish getting dressed, lots to do, people to see, places to go! I hope everyone enjoys this amazing weather!
Angie World 