I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year, while on one hand it is the most wonderful time of the year; on the other it is the most difficult. I love it for the reason we celebrate, the birth of our Lord and Savior, the lights, the overwhelming sense of love and goodwill that permeates. I love the sights, sounds, smells, everything about it.
I hate the sense of loss, the missing people that are not here, I miss my grandparents, my great-aunt Effie, I miss my mom and dad, most of all I miss my son who never got to experience a Christmas.
I am emotional this time of year, I am not a crier, yet I cry at every Christmas themed commercial, every movie, the sappier the more tears. I abhor myself for this emotional display that is not seen any other time of the year; it is disconcerting.
This year is particularly emotional, as Elizabeth Anne has begun a new chapter in her life, which is a good thing, however, it brings a new set of emotions. I am not good with emotion; I am better with logic, yes Angie logic, but still, logic all the same.
As I put ornaments on the tree, I couldn’t help but think of when each one came to be, I have one that my mom gave Jeffrey when he was little. Yes, it’s Jeffrey’s and yes I have it, just for the record I have offered it to him and he said he likes it on my tree.
I am going to try to keep my emotions in check, I do not enjoy a good cry the way some people do, I would rather not, thank you very much. I am going to enjoy the twinkling lights, the decorations, the sights, sounds and smells without one tear this year.
I am going to celebrate the times I spent with people who are no longer here; I am going to relish the time I have with the people who are still here. I am going to enjoy spending time with my children and granddaughter, with new family members such as a son-in-law and a new granddaughter. I am going to enjoy friends, seeing their pictures of loved ones and gatherings.
I will not cry, as tears do nothing but get my face wet, it doesn’t make me miss anyone any less, it doesn’t solve world hunger or world acrimony. All they do is make my face wet. This is my mantra this year.