Hate, four letters, strong emotion, the question is do we truly hate something or someone. For example I say I hate sunshine, but I really don’t deep in my soul hate it, I am disdainful of it, but the strong emotion of hate, no. I can say without a doubt I hate liver, I hate lies, I hate the fact that I have to work so hard to not be obese.
As for people, there really is no one that I hate, that level of emotion just takes too much out of me and to be honest it ages me. I hate no one, even the people that have wronged me, more than anything I pity them, they will never know the joy of being friends with me. Their lives will be empty because of who they are and how they behave in life, there is nothing there to hate, everything to pity.
I loath certain behaviors that humans exhibit, loathing and hating are two different emotions, much less energy to loath than to hate. To hate requires a level of intensity that I simply cannot fathom achieving, too much work. If you hate with that kind of intensity, well, hats off to you, it’s a lot of hard work and dedication.
I did not get to stop at Starbucks this morning, I am all out of sorts and can’t really think straight, I am ready for my lunch break so I can go to Starbucks and truly wake up. It is sad being addicted to something that is so amazing, and hard to resist, still deciding on what I want, a 0 point count Passion Tea or a non fat Caramel Brulee treat. Ugh. I need help.
Snow = God’s Love
I think by now you all know how I feel about snow, it is the great equalizer, it makes everything it touches beautiful and pristine. It is simply perfection, it is God’s tangible proof He loves me that is my belief. Even a little snow makes me happy, on Monday, here in North Texas, God sent a message, He sent snow, to give a message of hope. It was a smattering, not enough to cover the rooftops, but it was enough. Enough to start my week off the right way, to let me know that everything is going to be ok.
As the week goes on I am reminded daily that I am loved and everything will turn out ok, as my grandmother used to say, it all comes out in the wash. It all works out in the end, and in the end it really doesn’t matter. She had a way with words.
I have not had sugar this week at all, well, natural sugar in the form of fruit, but that is acceptable, I have had no processed sugar. I have had no artificial sweeteners, no diet cokes, I can tell my body feels better, but my taste buds want sugar, my brain wants sugar, my whole being wants sugar. I shall persevere, I will not give in, I will not eat sugar. Until Christmas.
Today is my Thursday, tomorrow is my Friday, and I am going to go with hot Passion tea for my Starbucks treat, no Snowman cookie, nothing sweet, it will be fine. I have some amazing news, I have not been sick in 13 months; I have not had a sniffle, a fever, stomach bug, nothing. I know my doctor has forgotten who I am at this point because I have not seen him in over a year. This is amazing; I usually get sick twice a year, like clockwork, but not this year. Not since getting off of the artificial sweetener and moving to local honey. I don’t know if there is a real correlation, however I am going to take it.
Loss
Well I gave up sugar again, I started last week, I am feeling better physically and yet craving it so very badly. I love sugar, if I could marry sugar I would, but I am staying off until Christmas, then I admit I plan on indulging in homemade sugar cookies and my no bake oatmeal cookies. Then back on the wagon, which will be hard however I know I can do it.
Does anyone else have this issue? A huge addiction to sugar, where you actually have withdrawal symptoms when you cleanse it out of your system? I am irritable, a little shaky, not quite the DT’s, but close, no hallucinations, yet, man, its tough!
Saturday’s show was really good, in case you missed it you can listen on our website, http://www.convosate.com, we are also in ITunes, you can subscribe to the podcast and it will download automatically. We talked about grieving and the holidays that is something I face every holiday and have for a long time. When one is surrounded by older people from a young age you face grieving sooner than you should have to.
There are so many people I miss this time of year, my grandparents, my parents, my son, my great aunt Effie, one of my best friends Sandi, Chewie. I also have a grand daughter who is in heaven; it is a tough time of year. However, I have my memories and I hold them close to me, they comfort me, they sustain me. I have so many memories of Christmases with my cousins at my grandparent’s house, the warmth, the laughter, the food. Those early years the memories are jumbled, but they bring such warmth to my soul, it is almost like I can reach out and touch them.
When I get sad, and I do get sad at times, I think back to all of the happy, fun times I have had with the people I miss and it makes me smile. I also think of where they are now, and the amazing celebration they are having. I know without a doubt they are having the best time, because everyone I know that has passed, they are in heaven. I honestly don’t know how people who don’t believe in a higher power handle grief, where do they think their loved ones are? I know without a doubt I will see my people again, I will have a joyous reunion with them, I will get to hug them, laugh with them and catch them up on all that happened after they left us. They will take me around and introduce me to relatives who went before I was born. I have vivid images of what it will be like, however, I know that I don’t have an imagination vivid enough for how it will really be.
Christmas Romance?
When did Christmas become a romantic holiday? That is the question of the day, everywhere you look the media is telling you that you have to be part of a couple to celebrate the holiday to the fullest. From the commercials to the movies to the songs, everywhere you look, it is romance. This holiday was never meant to be a romantic holiday, it is the time we come together to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, where in that does one get be romantic?
We are inundated with it, even the animated shows, Rudolph gets Clarice in the end, Kris Kringle finds his Mrs. Clause, Frosty even gets a wife in Frosty Returns. All the great Christmas movies are romantic, Holiday Inn, Love Actually, The Holiday, It’s a Wonderful Life and even THE Christmas Story, Mary had Joseph to take care of her.
It is my belief that we need to get away from this, we need to acknowledge this is a season of giving, of ourselves, to others, not focus on romance, or gifts. We need to stop focusing on romance during this time; it should be a time of love, not romantic love, but humanity love. A time to focus our attention on the important things in life, taking care of our fellow man, praising our Savior, celebrating God’s love for us. He loved us so much he gave us his only begotten son. That is what this season is about; He gave go much to us, why are we not giving to others? Not material things, but our time, our attention, our services.
I am going to do something for someone other than myself this season, I don’t know what yet, but that is my vow. I encourage all of you to stop listening to the media, stop looking for romance during this season and really open your hearts and do something for someone that doesn’t require money. Do something that simply requires your time and perhaps a skill you have that someone needs. Cleaning someone’s gutters or raking their leaves, maybe shoveling snow out of their driveway if you live up North.
I would love to hear how you handle all of the romantic images thrown your way during this time, does it affect you or do you really not notice?
My Theory
I have a theory, a theory on why women seem to be behaving badly on a higher level these days. I formed my theory last night, at the annual Christmas shindig of The Ladies that Lunch. We were talking about how enjoyable it was to get together and talk just the girls. One of the women then said that women don’t have an outlet like they used to, in the days before electricity, internet and television, there used to be sewing circles, quilting bees and other gatherings, where the men raised barns or helped with the crops and the women would gather, talk, share experiences, give advice to the younger ones or comfort a grieving widow, mother or sister. Then came the industrial revolution, people moved to the cities, where there were still the sewing circles, the quilting bees and the general feeling of helpfulness. Then came the suburbs, coffee clutches replaced sewing circles, then came WWII, women went to into the workforce like never before. There was no time for coffee clutches, quilting bees or sewing circles, this is when women began to lose close contact with one another.
When you don’t have the close contact with women friends it is easy to betray them, it is easy to hurt someone faceless. With the internet, text messaging, instant messenger, facebook, twitter and yes myspace, you can behave as badly as you want and no one will find out.
Only that is not the case, someone always finds out and someone always gets hurt. Women need to get back to gathering together. We need the camaraderie, the support of other women, when we lose that we lose a closeness, an accountability, we lose a part of ourselves. I would never dream of purposely hurting another woman, I believe it is because I have close friendships with so many, I meet on a monthly basis with a group of women that give me support, love, acceptance and a place where we all listen to each other and commiserate, celebrate and lift each other up. I wish other women had this, perhaps it is time to bring back the sewing circles, coffee clutches, quilting bees and even the book clubs.
Foggy
I love fog, not the kind that is so thick you can’t see, the kind where it just looks creepy, it reminds me of the old, scary movies that I used to watch as a kid. The ones with Bela Lugosi, Vincent Price and Lon Chaney, I loved those movies, they were in black and white and so creepy. If you have not seen any of those, you really should find them and watch them, they are just greatness.
I grew up watching scary movies, they came on every Saturday afternoon when I was a kid, I have always been fascinated by the idea of Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein’s monster and the Mummy, the thought that you could move things with just a twitch of your nose, or nodding your head and blinking, well the thought is heady indeed.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am no occultist, nor do I believe they really exist, I just enjoy a good story and those beings make good storytelling. I feel the need for a good Buffy Marathon, perhaps when I am off work, after Christmas, which would be a good time, I like watching them when I am alone and can have my popcorn and diet coke. No more milk duds, man I miss those. Maybe I can also watch my favorite Christmas movie, Holiday Inn, I love that movie, I think I shall watch that this weekend.
Well it is my Friday and I am so happy, I do believe I shall enjoy my weekend, recording tomorrow, getting Tess tomorrow after school, and I plan on decorating this weekend. We shall see, I feel rather lazy; however I do enjoy decorating for Christmas, even if it is just for me to enjoy. Having no small children in the home to decorate with, well it is totally different. If you have children still at home, enjoy this time of year, it does not last long. I miss decorating with my children. We all took such delight in decorating, then they would help their dad decorate. They had a double dose of Christmas, I wonder if they miss those days, or if they are happy they are over with.
Christmas Memories
Well Christmas is upon us and it is time for me to do a spreadsheet to keep up with Christmas presents for people and my Christmas budget. Yes, I do that, I keep a spreadsheet; it makes life easier to keep track of what I get for people and the amount of money I spend. I don’t charge anything, I spend cash, this way I don’t owe anything after Christmas, makes for a very stress free January.
This time of year is filled with highs and lows for me, while I love Christmas and I love spending it with my children and Tess, I miss so many people this time of year. I really miss my mom; I keep her memory especially close to me this time of year. I make her dressing recipe, I cook things in her cooking pot I have and I have a couple of her ornaments for my tree. She always delighted in Christmas so much, she was truly a blessed person, she loved opening her home and heart to all, she encouraged her children and grandchildren to invite others to partake in the festivities. I remember she used to buy extra gifts, generic ones for boys and for girls. She didn’t want anyone to feel left out if they arrived unexpectedly, they would have a gift to open along with everyone else. There are so many reasons my mom was loved by everyone who came into contact with her, this small gesture is just one of the reasons, when you walked into my mom and dad’s home you knew you were welcomed.
I tend to be more nostalgic this time of year, I know, I am nostalgic all year long, however this time of year it is magnified, so if you have not experienced that with me before, well, welcome to December. I’d like to be able to promise I won’t go overboard, however, I will not lie to you, it is going to happen. I miss the snow, snow and Christmas just go together, I hate that we only have it here every once in a while. We did not have it last year, but the year before we did, it is not looking good this year for snow; however I am keeping hope alive.
In the country, at my mom and dad’s house, when it snowed, it was amazing, magical, beautiful, especially when the moon was high in the sky. The snow covered trees sparkled like they were covered in silver glitter, glistening, making everything amazing and wondrous. To this day, when I am sad, I close my eyes and conjure the images of days past, when it would snow and make even the starkest of landscapes amazingly beautiful.
I hope everyone has a magical Christmas, and an amazing New Years, that is my prayer for all of my friends this time of year. I would love to hear about some of your favorite memories about the holiday season, what you used to do as a child, the things your parents used to do that you now continue with your children.
Finally Awake!
I am awake now; it only took two days, so here I am folks, ready to rock and roll! I have my coffee and yogurt and took my vitamins, let’s get this party started! First off I want to say after spending the day with Elizabeth Anne in Sherman on Saturday was truly enjoyable, after the optometrist, which was brutal. We rode in her Jeep and listened to her music, I have to say her musical tastes are as eclectic as my own, I am so proud at the range she has. No pigeon hole for her, she goes from Tracy Lawrence to Kiss, so proud.
She hates my beloved Snowman cookie from Starbucks, that I cannot believe; I think she needs to go to a taste bud doctor. I shall see what I can find; to not enjoy something I do is unimaginable! I don’t even know what to think about that. At least we have Taco Bueno!
We are four shows down on Conversations with Shanon J and Angie B, this is fast becoming one of my favorite days of the week. The days I get to record with Shanon, you should hear the stuff that is off the air. I told her we should make a blooper reel, we are really funny, and at times deep, we got into something the other day that we will have to tackle on the air. However, it is just deserving of longer than 15 minutes. By the way, in case you missed our show, you can catch up on http://www.convosate.com and we are on ITunes, this is all thanks to the Irishman. Also you can purchase items with what has become our catchphrase, What are we doing today God? at http://www.shop.convosate.com. Great stocking stuffers to be had. You can also find our email addresses there; we would love to hear from you, tell us what you would like to hear about.
So, Christmas is fast approaching and I have done no decorating, not from lack of wanting to, but lack of time. I will put up the tree this weekend, I promise, I love the twinkling lights so much, I am going to be a decorating fool.
More shopping this weekend with Elizabeth Anne, she is coming to Plano, so we will be shopping till we drop, then crawling.
Discombobulated
Taking the day off. Forgot coffee.
Once and Again
The world is back to normal, today is my Friday, and yes, it included Starbucks, a skinny version of my normal. Plus, no Snowman cookie, it was incredibly hard not to order that thing this morning. Instead I have my skinny mint mocha with my cottage cheese and a fruit cup. I am a sad, sad person this morning; however since it is Friday I am strangely happy as well.
I keep waiting for the snow to come, it always starts off promising at 5:30 when I am leaving the apartment, it is cold and crisp, but then it warms up. Seriously, this needs to end, I need the cold to stay, I need snow this year. We had no snow last year, it was infuriating, I need it this year, I promise if it does not snow I will go insane, completely and thoroughly insane.
If my children are reading this, I need a Christmas list from you, I have Jeffrey’s, Tessa is almost done, so that leaves Elizabeth Anne and Alex, get those in! Oh, wait, Alex told me what he wants, so, that leaves just Elizabeth Anne, she is a little slow this year, usually by now I know exactly what she wants. I know a few things and I have gotten all three a very special gift, which I am so excited to give them, I really hope they love it.
Last night was Arrow, I am really loving that show, they are doing justice to the mythology of the comic. Last night, just for trivia buffs, the guest star was Jeffrey Nordling who was on Once and Again with Susanna Thompson who plays Oliver Queen’s mother. I loved Once and Again, the stars were Sela Ward and Billy Campbell, they played divorced parents who meet in the carpool lane at their children’s school. It gave hope to every single mother sitting in a carpool lane, although very few of us looked like Sela Ward and I guarantee there were no dad’s that looked like Billy Campbell sitting around. However, it was well done, beautifully acted and of course short lived, because truly intelligent television doesn’t last long.
Angie World 