Saturday

Yesterday I was watching the View; they had a segment that showed Oscar night gowns, what the stars could possibly be wearing. I saw a dress that reminded me of what I really want in a wedding dress. Solid red. I want to wear the gown Scarlett wore to Ashley’s birthday party. I don’t care how tacky it is! I want it. I want the whole thing, the red velvet dress, with the red satin opera gloves. I figure if a bad Catholic like Scarlett can wear a red velvet dress to a birthday party, then a good Baptist girl can wear one to her wedding. For as long as I can remember I have wanted that dress, and I always swore if I got married again I would be doing it in red. So, in summation, I do believe I will be as tacky as I can and wear a red velvet dress to my wedding.
Or once I calm down from this rant I will go back to being sane and sensible. Well ok, neither of those, but reasonable. Dang it, I have never been that either! OMG, what am I going to do? If I wear a red dress what color would the attendants dresses be? This is a huge quandary. I mean do I go all out and just be as tacky as possible? The whole disco themed reception is borderline, (ok even I know it crossed the line) however how would people react to the whole dress thing? Would my friends all say, well that are Angie and just accept it or would it be the talk of the town for years? OH, wow, ok, yes, that would be acceptable. Love that. Decisions, decisions. All I know is when I saw that dress on the View I about died. I wanted it; I wanted to have my true dream wedding dress.
I do have a replica of the dress, I know what you all are thinking, it is doll size not my size. Yes I have a Scarlett doll. And yes I have different outfits for her, don’t judge, I am sure you all have something that is as equally embarrassing in your closets. Jess. So I could have the dress made, since I have the replica. I know what I want.
Will keep you all posted. Rant over.

Friday!!!

Happy Happy Friday one and all! Today is Friday, and it is Starbucks day! I will be visiting Starbucks on my lunch, which is 9:30 A.M., since I begin work at 5:30 A.M. that makes sense. I am very excited about the Starbucks treat as I have had a rough couple of days. But I shall not let that ruin Starbucks day! I don’t know what to order today. I have been getting different drinks; I used to just stick with my Venti, no whip, extra hot, extra pump, café mocha. But I have been venturing out, I have now tried the cinnamon latte, the skinny caramel macchiato, and of course the peppermint mocha. What do I want today? So far I have not been let down by any of the choices I have made. Any thoughts? Do I get something familiar or venture out?
I don’t have huge plans for the weekend. I really need to do laundry and organize my bedroom. I really hate organizing anything, but I cannot stand it any longer. It has to be done and I can’t convince the dogs to do it. When I spoke to Chewie about it, I think he actually laughed at me. And Nacona, well she just started running around the whole apartment. So no help there! Since it is supposed to be nice here this weekend, I am thinking a walk with the pups is in order. Get them out; walk them to where they are exhausted! Payback for not organizing my bedroom for me!

more grateful

Yesterday I talked about the superficial things I am grateful for. Today I want to talk about the people in my life I am grateful for. There are so many I don’t even know where to start. Let’s start with my parents, my mom and dad was absolutely amazing. As most of you know I am adopted. The people who adopted me were my great aunt and uncle. I feel so amazingly blessed and fortunate to have had the parents that I had, I say had as they have both passed away. My grandparents, the grandparents I refer to are my real grandparents on my birth mothers side. They were awesome; my grandfather was one of the most intelligent men I have ever had in my life. My grandmother was so funny. I am a lot like my grandmother; she was feisty and intelligent and had a love of Hollywood gossip! I totally inherited that from her.
Next would be my children, I am so in awe of how amazing they are. They are bright and caring and funny and sarcastic and I feel so lucky every day of my life that God chose me to be their mother.
I am grateful for my friends, there are so many, I have mentioned a few here before, but I will mention some more now, I am grateful to my friend Jan, who is so beautiful and sophisticated and so smart! She is one of the most grounded people I know, I feel like a better person when I am around her.
My friend Wanda, she has the best sense of humor, I love visiting with her, and I look forward to her emails. She is full of life and is just beautiful inside and out.
Sandi, I don’t know if I have the words to tell you how much my friendship with Sandi has meant. Our sons met in kindergarten, we have been friends since then. Over 21 years.
Most of my friends I have had for a long time, I met Jan when my son was in her class at Mothers Day out. He was a Lavender Lion! He is soon to be 25; he was 3 at the time of the class.
Last but not least, I am grateful to have John in my life. I seriously didn’t believe I would get married again. Now I was ok with that, more than ok, but he showed me it was good to share my life with another human being. John I am grateful that you are not threatened by the fact that my best friend is male, that I want Dean Cain in my prenup, that I have a list (that you will never see as it is fluid), and that you trust me and love me unconditionally.

Grateful

I was listening to the radio and they were discussing when the big rage was to write “grateful” journals. It was huge due to Oprah creating the rage. So I decided I would let everyone know what I am grateful for.
I am grateful that when I am having a bad day I can simply picture Dean Cain in Superman tights and I am suddenly grateful again. I am grateful that Christian Kane is on television. I missed him when Angel went off the air. I am grateful for Starbucks and the wonderful way their coffee treats make me feel when I am having a rough day. I am grateful for my two, four-legged friends who give me a warm welcome home after a long day at work.
I am grateful for Jess and the way he placates me. I know he is placating me due to his obviousness about it; however, I am grateful for the effort. I am grateful for 4 inch heels and the way no one knows my true height due to me wearing them every day. I am grateful for the makers of hair products. All of them. I am grateful for blueberry tea; it is like a treat when I am dieting. I am grateful to Hagen-Daaz, for obvious reasons. I am grateful for boot season. I am grateful for Kidd Kraddick in the morning, love your show. I am grateful for snow. I am grateful for sour skittles, Godiva Chocolate and Hershey kisses with almonds.
What are all of you grateful for?

Cain vs Kane

So as we all know, or you should all know, I am insanely crazy about Dean Cain. Since 1993 I have been crazy about Dean Cain. I will always believe he is the prettiest man on the face of the planet. But now, there is a new Kane in town. Christian Kane. OMG, he totally rocks. He sings, he acts, he fights! He is from Oklahoma! How much more perfect can one man be? What is the problem you ask, well, in my prenup it is agreed I get to keep Dean Cain, but now I want to add Christian Kane. Fiancee says no, I can only have one Cain/Kane. How can he ask me to choose? They are both so different it is too hard. I think I should have both of them in my prenup. I mean honestly do you think that is selfish?

Found it!

Found it!
I believe I have found my first dance song for the wedding:
Biggest Part of Me by Ambrosia

Yeah

(Sunrise)

There’s a new sun arisin’
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin’
You’re the biggest part of me

(Stay the night) Need your lovin’ here beside me
(Shine the light) Need you close enough to guide me
(For all my life) I’ve been hopin’ you would find me
You’re the biggest part of me

Well

Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk, now,
In lettin’ my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew

(Rainbow) Risin’ over my shoulder;
(Love flows) Gettin’ better as we’re older
(All I know) All I want to do is hold her
She’s the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin’ that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(For better) For me, there’s nothin’ better
You’re biggest part of me

Well

Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk, now,
In lettin’ my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew

Oh

More than an easy feelin’,
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you
What it means to me?
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I’ve finally found someone
Who believes in me,
And I’ll never leave

Oh

Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, make life grand

Well

Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk, now,
In lettin’ my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew

(Beside me) Need your lovin’ here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You’re the biggest part of me

(Forever) Got a feelin’ that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You’re the biggest part of me
You’re the life that breathes in me
You’re the biggest part of me

Mmmmm

You changed my life
You made it right
And I’ll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life
You’re the biggest part of me….

Filter

For most of my life, well all of it, I have had no internal filter. You know the filter that tells you not to say certain things or react a certain way. The filters I have in place now are a learned behavior. It is not a natural part of my personality. I admire the people who seem to have that natural filter. When I was younger it tended to get me into a lot of trouble. I still have a tendency to be brutally honest with people. I’ll give you an example.
There is a woman here at work that is the worst mother, not that she beats her children, or starves them. The way she is the worst mother is she has men in and out of her house with the children there. The men spend the night in her bedroom; she even leaves her children alone with these men. She often wonders why her son has anger issues toward her and seemingly all females. When he was eight years old he put a metal pole through the computer, he was aiming for his sister. He behaves perfectly at his father’s house. The mother clueless as to why her son is so angry with her and all females. My manufactured filter went away and I told her exactly why he was so angry, did I mention she allowed her then 13 year old daughter to have boys in her bedroom with the door closed. She is 15 now and pregnant. When the filter crumbled I explained to her exactly what was wrong with her family dynamic. Needless to say she did not appreciate that. Not big losses having that person not speak to me. In fact it is a relief not to hear how horrendously she is mothering her children. Although I do fear for all of us when she unleashes those beasts she has created into the world.
Another time the filter has crumbled was with the health insurance company. I was trying to be diplomatic as I needed them to cover my daughter’s medication. However, after being on the phone for over an hour I lost it. I told the woman what I thought about the policies and how difficult they made it to be civil, and then I lost my civility. I won’t go into details, however it was not pretty.
I did get the medication covered. I am not saying that excuses my behavior, however, sometimes you have to lose your filter to get things done.
Now and again, the filter crumbles, and I say things I probably shouldn’t. I have a feeling I am not the only one that happens to. Any thoughts out there? Filtered of course!

Monday stuff

Is it cliché that I live in Texas and may be getting married at South Fork Ranch? I could change the theme and I could be Sue Ellen Ewing and start drinking at 10 in the morning. Now how much fun would that be! Even if I decide to get married there, I mean we, we decide to get married there, I will be sticking with the disco theme. Think Studio 54 without the hedonism. However, and I cannot stress this enough, it is not a costume party. It is a wedding reception. Please keep your polyester at home.
Girl Scout cookies made their way to my house Saturday. Does anyone else think those things are just insidiously evil? Thin Mints, I have a total love/hate relationship with them. Confession time, I ate so many Thin Mints yesterday it would make your head spin. Today my stomach hurts! I am like a 5 year old with no control! I am drinking hot tea this morning, after my coffee of course, to try and get my system back in balance. I will not be doing that again, I will just say no to the cookies. I will never ever say here that I want a cookie. Someone seriously take me to task if I do. Last nights episode of Desperate Housewives was all about seduction. The seduction of a different life, the seduction of the obvious kind, the seduction of someone swooping in and helping you with your work day. The Thin Mints seduced me, I was weak. What in your life seduces you into doing something you would not normally do?
So hot tea for me today, cottage cheese, yogurt and possibly soup for dinner! That is all for me today, no more cookies!

Conversations with Live People

This past week I have had the opportunity to have a conversation with two different people that I normally don’t truly converse with. Now before you jump to conclusions these are not hated enemies or people I look down my nose at (I haven’t looked down my nose at anyone since high school). They are just people that I don’t have an opportunity to interact with in a way that is conducive to conversation.
The first one was with a man at work, he sits on the opposite side of the building, he is kind of quiet and doesn’t socialize a lot, he simply does his work. Well this week he sat with me to see if I was having any issues with any particular part of my job. In between calls the talk became more social, he told me antic dotes about his daughter, he told me about his wife, the new baby. We talked about coffee, which for me is a total bonding moment. I simply got to see this particular co-worker in a different light. I learned some things about him, I don’t know if he learned anything about me, however, I found the whole experience enjoyable and, well, delightful. I want to thank him for all of his helpful tips and his patience with my endless questions.
My second unexpected and very enlightening conversation was with someone I have known since 8th grade; however known is a loose term here. We didn’t travel in the same circles in school, once again, not a oh I hate that person, just ran in different groups. We have reconnected on facebook, and yesterday we got to chat. And chat we did. I know he learned things about me he didn’t know, and I learned things about him I didn’t know. I feel like I have indeed made another friend for life. He and I have a shared experience and I have had an experience in my life that I hope he found helpful in hearing about. I am not ready to share what that experience is here as of yet, perhaps one day. Not a lot of people know what it is and while it is not illegal (I know you were wondering) it is intensely personal and private.
I know that is not a huge revelation, that I had a couple of conversations this week; however, it was a great experience for me. I want to encourage all of you to have your own conversations with people you don’t normally interact with. Now I am not talking about finding a stranger on the street, just perhaps someone you work with or someone you see on a daily or semi-daily basis. You might be amazed at what you find out, not only about that person but about yourself in the process. I know I learned something about myself this week, I learned that I could share something about myself and not be embarrassed about events that are of the past. I learned that my co-worker is not only super intelligent (that I already knew) but he is funny and a great family man. I hope everyone learns something about themselves this week.

Dieting

How long has there been a huge craze to be thin? Perhaps it all started when we no longer wore corsets to hold everything in. I do know that before the civil war a 20 inch waist was the desired. I just want my 26 inch waist back!
I have been obsessed with being as thin as I could possibly be since I was 12 years old, that is when my cousin told me I had put on weight, and since he was my favorite cousin I took it to heart. I have been eating celery ever since.
So this is nothing new for me, the desire to be, well, Paris Hilton thin. Don’t get me wrong, I do think I look good, however, I totally could stand to lose about 100 pounds. I say 100 because I don’t want people to guess how much I weigh. Right now I have cottage cheese for breakfast and yogurt for lunch, sometimes tuna, and fish for dinner, sometimes a grapefruit. I can tell it is working. My clothes are getting looser. Since I like fitted jeans I will be needing new ones soon. I have gone from 500 calories a day to 900. The 500 was to really cleanse my body of toxins. My eating habits were out of control, candy every day, ice cream, chocolate. Nothing healthy. Now I am correcting that huge months long binge. I don’t know why I let it get out of control.
Now my goal is to look good for the mini reunion and non-reunion, I don’t want people who have not seen me since 1993 to look at me and say OMG she really let herself go. I was soooooooo obsessed with my looks in high school. I would spend hours on my hair and makeup every day. EVERY day. I am not even exaggerating about that. I would exercise constantly, doing sit ups and running in place. My senior year, I lived on celery, I would have it for breakfast. I wanted to look like my BFF Tammi so bad. I was so jealous of her naturally thin looks. Not hateful jealous, just, wow I wish I could look like that jealous. I have never ever achieved that. After my daughter Elizabeth was born, I did get down to a size 4. Major achievement. But it takes a lot to maintain that and then I got pregnant again. So that size was out the window. Of course it never helped at that time that I had a husband telling me I was fat all the time, yes, even at a size 4 he told me that. So, my obsession grew, and here we are, today, me still obsessed with my size. I can only hope that I will be like the women in my family and be a tiny old woman who can eat whatever they want and still remain tiny.