Yesterday the Irishman and I went to see Rush, the new Ron Howard film about Formula 1 racing greats James Hunt and Niki Lauda. Now I only know they are greats due to the hype about the movie, I do not watch any sports. Everyone knows that.
Watching the movie, I am kind of surprised that I don’t enjoy racing, I think I would, no, I know I would enjoy doing the racing, however watching cars go in a circle for hours on end. No thanks.
Watching this film, and it is a film, so not a run of the mill movie, I realized I squandered my youth. I didn’t seize the day like James Hunt did; he enjoyed every bit of life, all of it. It was an eye opener.
I left the theater with the realization that I am old and there are things I will never, ever do again in my lifetime. There are things I will never experience for the first time because I have left my youth behind me.
I will never again ride a horse, I haven’t since I was in my early 20’s, so I know this to be a true statement. I will never again go roller-skating, that season has gone from my life. I will never again party like a rock star, ok, I never did that one, but still, I will never stay up all night talking and making plans. Those days have passed me by. I will never go skiing again; I seriously hated the skiing part, please, going down a mountain on two little sticks. So not my idea of fun, but I have done it, I will never go again.
I know I will never drive on a racetrack, yes that was a dream, I love to drive fast, I would love to be in one of those Formula 1 vehicles and run it around the track once or twice. I know without a doubt that will not happen. The best I can do is go 90 on the highway, shhhh don’t tell.
I will never go skydiving, I have dreamed of this, but quite honestly my fear of heights has gotten worse with age and I would probably pass out when the plane door opened. So this is not for me, it has passed me by, so many things are passing my by at the speed of light.
I will never live to see the day that we travel in space for pleasure; I will never live to see the day that the Vulcans land. Metaphor for the alien race that is bound to show up one-day people, I really don’t expect Mr. Spock to land on my doorstep.
I am incredibly boring these days, I have no excitement to look forward to, no wonderful surprises left around the corner.
I hope my children enjoy their youth, I hope they live it to the fullest, get to experience life like I never had the chance to. I hope that they understand that their youth is for living life, for taking chances, for doing, going, living.
Because when one gets to my age, well, there is nothing left, no excitement, no fun, no rollercoasters of life to take you up and down. There is simply nothingness, an empty void of space, looking out to through the years with what if’s and coulda, woulda, shoulda.
I read books, I have my entire life, I have found my escape in them, I have lived a thousand lives, I have done things in my imagination that I would never have had the opportunity to in real life.
I have been a pirate; I have ridden a bull, driven a racecar and been the most beautiful woman alive. Imagination is way better than life; it gives you things that living cannot.
Do I wish my life had been different? No, I do not, I relish the role of mother, it is one that I take seriously, even now. I would not change anything, I just wish I had taken advantage of opportunities that I will never have again.
It has all passed me by.

3 Replies to “Life”

  1. You won’t fall!! It’s like riding a bike! My kids think its awesome when I skate backwards in front of them and talk to them. Lol. It’s the small things. Haha


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