So, on Facebook, a friend of mine tagged me and challenged to post five pictures I feel beautiful in. Interesting. That is the only word that comes to mind as I am not beautiful, I never feel beautiful and I most certainly have no pictures that I am beautiful in. No amount of lighting will ever make me look beautiful. I am not even passingly pretty. I am reminded of that every single day of my life.
I will not be posting any pictures; I have made a decision to never post another picture of me at all. On any form of media, it’s too painful to look at it afterward. I will only post pictures of animals or funny pictures. Or my children and Tess of course, however, fewer of those and with the majority of my social media on strict privacy control.
There was an episode of Angel (brilliant Joss Whedon) where Cordelia is rendered unconscious due to her visions. They were never intended for humans, and she meets Skip, a full on demon who explains this to her. He takes her on basically a vision quest, but what struck me is when he tells her that most people have an idealized vision of what they look like. However, she doesn’t, because, well, Cordelia is beautiful. But the point is she saw herself the way she actually was.
I see myself the way I actually am, I have never been beautiful, pretty or anything else that causes heads to turn.
I have no illusions regarding my looks, oh, sometimes I have more bravado than most days and I can fake it really well. The whole look at me I’m pretty façade is just that, a façade and as I become more aged the façade has been stripped down.
So no more selfies, no more photos of me, no photos plastered all over the internet for all to make fun of. To point and say who does she think she is, thinking that she looks good, when in actuality the truth shines through.
I don’t even think I have a good personality to make up for it, I read a lot, I watch geeky shows and movies and do not have an exciting life. I used to be envious of women who are truly beautiful, my BFF Tammi is so pretty, she was actually a Mrs. Oklahoma. Julie Sunday, a former Miss Oklahoma, was so pretty. My parents would hold her up as an example of what I wasn’t. I don’t think they meant to really do it, just a generational thing.
So, here I sit, not posting the five photos I feel beautiful in, because there are none in existence.
To all of you out there, the pretty ones, the beautiful ones, enjoy it! Revel in it, take care of it, cultivate the inside as well as taking care of the outside, because eventually the inside shines outward.
I guess my insides are not that pretty either, as nothing is shining outward with me.

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