Ok, so, I have a recurring dream, I have had it for years, and I mean years, more than I can remember. It is very vivid and very detailed, it is not scary, in fact it is very much the opposite.
I have a house in Colorado, in a picturesque town, in the mountains in Colorado, the house is about 200 years old and is simply charming. The yard is filled with flowers and is colorful and soothing all at the same time. There is a wrought iron fence surrounding the yard, I have a little, white, iron table and several chairs for visitors. I have dogs and cats, not enough to be classified as the crazy pet lady, but enough where the children in the neighborhood come by to play with them. I think it is a vacation home, I love it there, I think the meaning of the dream is that I should live in the mountains in Colorado.
I know my children would come visit me, they all love Colorado as well, however, I would miss being close to them. It is a conundrum.
Today is Friday, which makes me happy, tomorrow is our monthly Ladies that Lunch, it has been a year since we started our gatherings. What a year it has been, I love our monthly luncheons, so much fun, and I admit it makes me feel closer to Sandi. I still miss her, I miss her guidance, her wisdom and her straightforwardness, I miss her friendship. I know she also welcomed Chewie, she loved dogs, and she was always fond of him. As was everyone, who was sane, who came into contact with him.
My day has started off nicely, the Irishman made my coffee, an episode of Angel was on TV and it is nice and quiet to begin my day. I know today will be good, it will be productive and I will be happy at the end of the day.
Probably not, but a girl can hope, I did get unsettling news last night, nothing I am ready to share here, perhaps later, perhaps never. I have not decided yet.
Nocona
Nocona is breaking my heart, this morning I gave her a doggie cookie and she took it and threw it on the ground and looked at me. I told her I was so sorry, there would be no more treat sharing. The cookie is still there where she flung it.
Today will be her first full day alone since Chewie went home, I have a feeling she will be lonely, I am thinking a trip to the farm is in order.
Well it is Wednesday which means it is almost gateway to Friday day, so that is good, this weekend will be a busy one. I like busy, busy is good, no time to ponder and wallow if one is busy.
Hard Day
It’s a rough day today, I find myself loathing the day I have to vacuum Chewies favorite spots. If I can keep his fur around, then he is not truly gone. I know I am going to have to vacuum eventually, but not today. He had three favorite spots, on his bed, in the corner in the dining room, and in the living room in front of where the television is. I haven’t moved his bed, I know I will have to take it apart and clean it, but not today. I don’t know what I am going to do with his things, I still have his food bowl on the floor next to Noconas. This morning when I fed her she looked at his bowl then looked at me, I said I am so sorry girl you have to eat alone today.
How do you say goodbye to such an amazing creature? I know people who are not animal people don’t really get it, but these creatures that come into our lives are part of our families, our hearts and our lives. When they go on to their reward in the ever after it hard on the ones left here. I honestly don’t know if I will ever get another dog. One, he cannot be replaced, b., it is too hard saying goodbye and III I still have Nocona.
On the upside, I got my new dishes yesterday, and I have unpacked them today, they are in the dishwasher getting all shiny as I type this. They are so pretty and bright! I cannot wait to sully then with food, not food I cook, as we all know I do not cook, but with food that I purchase already cooked.
Well I am going to go now, I have lots to do, and a short amount of time to do it in.
Godspeed Old Friend
Yesterday I had to say goodbye to a dear friend, no, not goodbye, I had to say see you in a little bit. God chose yesterday to be the day that Chewie went home. If you are one of those people who do not believe that our pets go to heaven, please refrain from commenting. I fully believe our pets will be there, the bible tells us that heaven is filled with the things we love. If anyone person or animal deserves to be in heaven, well it is Chewie.
I will miss him though, I did the minute he left this plane of existence, coming home without him was one of the hardest things I have experienced to date.
This amazing creature filled our lives with humor, kindness, vitality and a sense of belonging. He kept me in line, he let me know what my place was in the hierarchy of the pack, make no mistake about it, Chewie was the undeniable leader of the pack. He had this amazing sense of humor, he played tricks on me, and I know he was laughing at times. I miss his smile, already our home seems empty without him.
Nocona sensed something was terribly wrong, she did not want me to put him in the car yesterday, she tried to block the door. When I came home without him she went and laid by his bed and just looked at me.
I sit here having my coffee, and it is not the same, you see he would sit and stare at me while I would drink my coffee. He would keep my company in the mornings, it was that or he was trying to tell me I am an addict and need to slow down on the coffee.
I will be forever grateful to Jess for allowing him to spend his last 4 years with me, he was a good listener, although slightly judgemental, a great companion and a faithful friend.
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad
Today is my parents wedding anniversary, and yes they were married on a Friday, so this day always signifies a good luck day in my family. My parents were amazing people, I know I tend to go on and on here about them, but honestly I don’t have the correct words to properly immortalize them.
They were amazing individually, and as a couple, they were just incredible. Their love of God came first, in all things, their love of their family came next, they always had their priorities in order.
They taught me so much, I think the one thing that stands out this day in particular, is the way they taught me how no one person is more important in a relationship. They both gave to each other freely, I saw it over and over, from the way my mom cooked things my dad would love, to the way he kept her sewing machines humming.
I used to love watching them in the evenings, quietly sitting and holding hands, it was so simple yet so telling. They had been together for years, yet they were so romantic with each other. Kissing like they would never see one another again when one would leave the house without the other. Holding hands while watching television, reading the bible out loud to each other, and my mom laughing at my dad’s jokes, even though I am sure she had heard them a million times.
I consider myself so fortunate for their good example in so many areas of life, being adopted, well it is a crap shoot on who you will end up with. I totally lucked out in the parent area, if God had asked me to choose, I could not have chosen for myself any better.
So, mom and dad, I hope your celebration today is as amazing and wonderful and as full of laughter as you were here on earth.
I love you always,
A grateful daughter
Hunger Rant
Today has been a tough day, food wise, everywhere I look I see things I want to eat. The other day, the Irishman said something I didn’t understand, and for once it was not his accent. I asked him if he liked me better now that I am 30 pounds lighter, he said he just wanted me to be healthy. Major cop out, he doesn’t want to say if he likes fat women or skinny ones. Just freakin be honest with me. I told him, I didn’t lose weight to be healthy, I lost it to look good, he said that was the wrong attitude. It is not, for me, I couldn’t give a rats behind on the health benefits of losing weight. I did it, and continue to do it, so I can look good, I am vain, shallow and I don’t care! I don’t care who knows it, I don’t care who calls me that, I take it as a compliment. I look forward to the day I have my first plastic surgery procedure. I don’t care about anyone else and the reason they lose weight or eat healthy, all I care about is me. And I want a simple answer, which do you like better.
I don’t think anyone really realizes how hard this is for me, I could live on puffy cheetos and diet coke, I have a hard time enjoying books these days because I would always read them while eating puffy cheetos. Those days are gone, it is hard to sit and read without eating. I admit that. I am completely jonesing for sugar right now, I could live on it. I can make a whole meal out of cookies and cupcakes. And the coffee treats, giving those up has been the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I don’t understand why this is so hard for me, every pound lost is hard work. I work hard every day not to eat things I want to. Every pound comes off grudgingly. None of this is easy and I hate it, I hate it worse than anything on earth. Well, not snakes, I hate snakes worse than not being able to eat whatever I want.
I don’t understand why some people get to eat whatever they want and never gain an ounce, they are naturally thin. Why did God choose me to make this so hard? Why did he give me the fat gene? Did I do something bad in a former life? Because this has always been a battle, I was a chubby baby, I weighed 9lbs at birth, I was a chubby kid, a chubby adolescent, in high school I lived on celery to become thin. Then I got married, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, the weight never left me. It is so incredibly hard and I am exhausted with the effort, today is the day I want to just break down and buy the huge jar of cheeto balls at Target and stick my head in it and eat. I want to get up, go into the kitchen and make those sinfully good cookies. The kind that is made out of pure sugar, the kind that when you put them in your mouth the sugar just melts. Amazing goodness, that I cannot have, or I will gain weight in an instance. Three days of eating, three days, I gained six pounds, I lost 5 the first week back on Weight Watchers and the other went the week after. I hope you now see, that if I eat like a so called normal person, the weight flies onto me. There is no stopping it, I do believe it waits in dark corners, just biding it’s time until it can jump back on my waist.
I know I have a lot more to lose, I am no where near being classified as thin, I have such a long way to go, I understand why people just give up. If you have never battled weight, you will not understand my exhaustion.
It is a choice I make, it is a choice I will continue to make, I do not want to be in a double digit size. That is me, all me, I do this for me, however, getting an honest answer would be great once in a while.
Do you like the way I look now, or do you want me to be fat again? Is that a hard question to answer. I don’t want a crappy answer like oh I love you at any size. Seriously?
I know I am old, I know I don’t look like I did at 19, that makes me sad, I honestly did not appreciate my looks while I had them. If I could get that body and face back I would do it in a heartbeat.
Cookies, Snow and Slipper Boots
Finally I feel the cold, I woke up to 29 degree weather, still no snow though, that is disappointing. I need the snow, I crave it, it is my friend. Snow is the great equalizer, it blankets everything and turns it into an amazingly beautiful world. Snow doesn’t care if it lands in a rich neighborhood or poor, it falls on both equally.
Yesterday was a good day, I not only got to spend time with my son, Jeffrey, I received a huge surprise upon my arrival, Tessa was there! Love the days I get to see Tessa. That girl is total greatness.
I am loving my new slipper boots Elizabeth and Freddy got me for Christmas, they are warm and cozy and extremely cute. Gotta love the cuteness factor, even if the only ones that get to see me in them are the dogs and the Irishman. As soon as I get up in the mornings they go on my feet, as soon as I walk in the door from going anywhere, on my feet they go! I am so spoiled by them, I feel like I am walking around on a cloud, they are just amazing.
I have been craving sugar since my fall off the wagon, I cannot shake it, no matter what I do I want sugar so bad, I dream of the no bake oatmeal cookies. Those are pure sugar, three cups of sugar in the recipe. I want them so bad I almost got up in the middle of the night to make them! This has to stop, There has to be a happy medium, where I can have sugar socially and not go overboard. Perhaps there is a drug out there that can help me with the urges, a patch, like for cigarette people. Sugar addiction is real my friends, I am living proof, I think I even had the D.T.’s.
Well that is enough for now, I am going to go start my day and do stuff, like resist the urge to make cookies and eat them all. Elizabeth Anne does not live close enough to come help me scarf them down as soon as I make them.
The Irishman and Coffee
After all this time I have learned the secret of the Irishman’s coffee making skills. He uses the filtered water, as I use the tap water, unfiltered, who knew what a difference that would make! He does make the best coffee, he even went and got me Starbucks this morning, such a bad influence.
I am off work the rest of the week, I decided I wanted my Monday to be my Friday as well, don’t be jealous. Yes, I am bragging, I can’t help it, I needed a little break, although, tomorrow is a very busy day, I will be taking Jeffrey for his back injection. Friday I have appointments all day, so see I have things to do, not all frivolous fun. So what is everyone else doing this week? Is it a week spent working or a week spent having fun, or perhaps a combination of the both.
Last night I cooked some Blue and Gold sausage that I had bought from a man at work, his grandson is in FFA, which is the only way you can get the Blue and Gold sausage. I am telling you nothing here in America beats it, we used to buy it all the time when I was a kid. My parents would buy two or three tubes, it used to only come in the tubes, then my mom would slice it and freeze it in baggies, she froze it in individual servings. So good, I always looked forward to when the FFA would be selling it. They only sold it in the fall, and it is still the same. So the lesson here is support FFA and get the best American sausage on the market.
Elizabeth Anne was in FFA, as was I in high school, ok, for one semester for me, but for Elizabeth it was 3 years. She enjoyed it in a way I never did or could have. Did I mention Tammi was also in FFA? She stuck it out, she learned how to weld in there. Sometimes I wish I had stuck it out, other times I realized I made the correct decision, there is nothing country about me, except in certain instances. Which I will not expound on at this moment.
I am hoping that the weather turns, I am so tired of warm, balmy weather this time of year, I hate it, I need the cold, the wet, the ice, the snow. Please, Mother Nature, bring it on!
Judgmental Dogs
This morning, as I was pouring my coffee, I overfilled the cup, like usual, and as I started to walk away some sloshed out (not an unusual occurrence), Chewie was standing there watching me. I turned to him and said I do believe there is something wrong with your mummy. Yes, I speak to him in a British accent, he is Siberian after all. He looked at me and I know he was thinking, why yes, yes there is. So judgmental for a dog, well, ok, not a dog, he is Chewie after all. I cleaned it up before he could, I do not need a hyper Chewie, well, he is a little hyper this morning, I did give him ham. Don’t judge me. I can see it in all of your eyes, this woman is not the crazy cat lady, she is the crazy dog lady.
I’m going to stop now, because even I can see I am making everyone’s point.
On Saturday nights I like to watch Star Trek, the original series, it comes on at 10pm here, I still love it. I think I like watching it then because it reminds me of home. when I was a teenager, Star Trek would come on at 11pm, on weeknights, well, during the school year I couldn’t watch it during the week. However, in the winter, if the next day was going to be a snow day, my parents would allow me to stay up to watch it. I always feel like that kid again on Saturday nights, staying up, watching Captain Kirk conquer the universe. And yes, I do realize how boring that makes me sound. I don’t care, it is what I do, if that makes me unbearably boring, well, so be it.
I am still enamored with my new coffeemaker, the Cuisinart one, I love hearing the grinding sound as it makes my coffee. The smell of the freshly ground coffee beans is intoxicating to say the least. I wish everyone had this coffeemaker! If you are a coffee lover the way I am, get this appliance! It is still on sale at Macy’s. Speaking of Macy’s, I bought some new dishes online on Friday, they were having their web sale and I have had my eye on these dishes for quite some time, and they were half price! I grabbed them, they should be here next week, I’ll let you know if I love them as much as the coffeemaker.
Well folks that is all I have for now, I need to get around, I have a stack of things that need to go to the GoodWill, and a ton of laundry to finish up. Oh yes, must take the Christmas tree down sometime. Stop looking at me like that!
My Dogs and the Story of Gremlin
I really have two of the best dogs in the world, one of them lets me know I am the one in charge and the other brings me back down to earth, letting me know he is the king of this castle. When I come home from work they are there to greet me, well Nocona is greeting me like a real dog, jumping up and down, begging me to pet her, while Chewie stands to the side and looks at me like, yes, you may pet me now. He grants me the privilege of being able to scratch behind his ears. Then lets me know he would like fresh water and more food, oh yes, and open the back door peasant. He is my King Arthur come to life, if any of you women out there ever wondered what life is like at the castle with a king in charge, well let me tell you, they expect you to fetch, praise and fawn over them, when they want you to. Heaven help you if you decide you would like to pet the king, he will let you know right away that is not happening. Forget about grooming him, you will have to chase him, then hold him down for a brushing, all with him making noises like you are killing him!
I love my dogs, they are amazing company, I can tell them anything and they don’t gossip with the other dogs. Mainly because I will not let them socialize while I am away, no chance for gossip there. Trust me when I tell you these two know more about me than most of my human companions ever will.
I have been following a group on Facebook that rescues and rehabilitates abused pitbulls. They are doing amazing work, Gremlin is the name of the facebook page, that is the name of the owners dog. She has such a great face, she was a bait dog, now she has been certified as a therapy dog, such an amazing story. Here is her story:
Gremlin is a former Bait Dog bought with her mother by an undercover police officer. She was then evidence in the Cruelty Case in which the scum who abused her and dozens of other dogs were never convicted of anything. Both of Gremlin’s back legs had been broken and her vocal chords were ruptured by what my vet said was a the end of a baseball bat. The jam the end down the dogs throat to rupture the vocal chords and after that the dog can no longer make any noise. Gremlin has done so much to bring awareness to the Pit Bull Breed and show people that they are not the monsters that the media portrays them as. She has taken and passed all the therapy dog tests and has become a Certified Therapy Dog through Therapy Dog Inc and visits everyone in Nursing homes and will soon be attending the kids at Rainbow Children’s Hospital. Gremlins mission is to bring awareness to Dog Fighting and how the cruelty of humans never cease to amaze us. Please tell all of your friends to like us and help us change the image of the wonderful Pit Bull Breed
The website to find out more about the amazing work her owner is doing is http://www.rowdytotherescue.com, please check them out.
I am reminded on a daily basis how lucky I am to have the two amazing creatures that live with me in my life.
Angie World 