On Thursday night I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work, how is this blog worthy you ask, well I’ll tell you. I was hit on. By an actual man, a good looking foreign man, he was Italian, loved the accent. At first I didn’t know what was going on, it’s literally been a lot of years since I was hit on. It was when he tried to slip me his number that I realized what was happening.
I was of course flattered, it made me feel attractive, something I haven’t felt in a long time, as much as I talk a good game, I do in fact own a mirror. I know what I actually look like and I know that I am not what men want in a woman. I am not super model pretty, I am not a size 2, I am old. All of these things work against me, but that night I felt attractive so I will take it.
I have never been the type of woman that gets a lot of attention from the opposite sex, they seem not to notice me, I am for all purposes invisible.
I am ordinary in a sea of extraordinary, North Texas is filled with amazingly beautiful women, thin, gorgeous women, it is a bit intimidating at times. I don’t have a complex regarding this, as I said I know what I look like, I have no illusions that I will ever be beautiful or even pretty. I don’t have the money for that amount of plastic surgery. I will be forever grateful I did not pass on my genetics to my daughter.
She is a truly beautiful human, somehow her father’s and my genetics created three gorgeous creatures. I am so happy she doesn’t have to go through life looking like me. That she will never know what it is like to be unattractive and undesirable on all levels.
One brief moment, on a Thursday night, I got to feel attractive, it was nice.
Saying Goodbye
The day I have been dreading, that we have all been dreading, happened yesterday, Nocona went home. The Irishman found her when he got home, he said he thought she was sleeping. She had climbed into a little chair we have and simply went to sleep.
Alex came and said goodbye to his friend and then we took her to Elizabeth’s farm and laid her to rest. She loved the farm so much, it is where she got the chance to do what she was born to do. Round up cattle. Jeff and Elizabeth dug the grave and the four of us said our goodbyes.
I still remember the day she came into our lives, you see I had promised the kids when we got back into a house with a yard we could have a dog. We had two cats, Mickey and Arthur and I seriously thought they would forget about the dog promise. Chewie would come to visit occasionally, I foolishly thought that was enough.
Elizabeth called me one Sunday and said Mom, remember that dog promise, I said vaguely. She said well we found a dog at the lake house and we are bringing her home. I said um what.
Well they brought in the dog, that they had aptly named Nocona, after the place the found her and soon she found her way into everyones heart. She was funny, sweet, loving, territorial, crazy and well, a complete Barsi.
She was the family dog, going with the kids to Jeff’s house on the weekends they were there, when my mom passed away, Nocona stayed with Jeff.
it is fitting he was there to say goodbye to our friend, our companion, family member, you name it she was it.
When I started dating the Irishman and introduced him to her, he fell in love with her as well, it’s hard not to.
She has stayed with all of us, with Jeffrey when I would go out of town if Elizabeth wasn’t able to keep her, with Jeff, Elizabeth and Alex.
The only time she has been parted from us was the 9 hours she was in the vets office without one of us. I know she was scared, wondering if her family had left her. I know in my heart that when I came back for her that was when her stress was relieved.
She lived longer than the vet said she would, yesterday morning she gave no indication she would be leaving. She followed me around, took her medications, ate, drank and went outside.
Now she has no more pain, and as my friend Jan said, Michael is getting his opportunity to be with the Barsi family pet. I know Nocona will take good care of him for me.
Buffy Monday
Well, so far so good, this morning has started with coffee, Buffy, rain and dogs, not necessarily in that order. I think I could get used to this, I guess I will find out when I am working until 9:00 pm. I do believe I am going to like this schedule, drinking coffee in leisure, spending time with the pups, trying to get Nocona to take her fish oil pills. Now that is real fun.
Last night was filled with television, The Walking Dead came back strong, if you have not seen it yet I will not be posting spoilers, just know it was awesome! I can hardly wait till next week, I do believe this is going to be a great season.
The Irishman and I are having to make some decisions in the next month, could really use prayers, nothing major, just deciding whether or not to move and if we move where to. It’s hard to try and move this time of year as the holidays are just starting and the expense of moving with the expense of Christmas, well, as I said, say prayers for a wise decision.
Going to sign off for now, I am going to leave early as it is pouring rain, which makes me happy, but cautious in my driving.
Weekend Update
Last weekend was filled with anxiety, worrying about Nocona, I have to tell you, I hardly slept at all. I kept checking her breathing to make sure she was still alive. What a change a week makes, Nocona is very alert, she is eating, drinking, walking somewhat effortlessly and she is back to being feisty.
What a difference 7 days makes, in 6 days the Lord made the earth, in 7 I have a dog that is no longer on the brink of death. I believe in prayer, and I believe all the people who prayed for Nocona made a difference. I am so grateful she is mending beautifully, so grateful I am not one of those people who blindly follow whatever a doctor says.
I saw how wrong doctors could be, first with my grandmother, when she broke her hip, the doctor said she would never walk again, well, she did. Then when Jeffrey was born we were told he would always have breathing problems and never be able to run and play like the other kids. Well he didn’t and he did, he did not have breathing problems and he was able to run and play with the other kids. He also played sports, something the doctor said he would never do, I don’t buy into doctors knowing everything. I don’t believe in fatalistic diagnosis, I believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking.
Sometimes I don’t think doctors take into consideration the human element of their patients, the ability to think positive, to allow God to do His will. There are some things that happen in this world that are inexplicable, some things we should not try to explain. This is one, I’ll take it, I’ll take Nocona getting better, eating, drinking, being feisty, she is well-loved and knows it.
Tomorrow starts my new shift, I will be working 4 days in a row, what on earth will I do! This has not happened in a while, the hours are really new to me, 10 am to 9pm, I have never worked that late in the evening before. I hope I stay awake. I am not even joking about that one, anyone who knows me, knows that I am used to going to sleep by 8pm. This is a whole new adventure, I must say I am looking forward to not waking up at 4AM. That is going to be a treat, I am also way excited to be able to get Tess on Friday after school Jeffrey’s weekends again.
Well, not a lot more new here, status quo as it were, it is a full evening of television viewing for me, first up, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, followed by the Walking Dead, Once Upon A Time and ending with Revenge, sleep, and awake in the morning at an hour that does not make most people flinch.
Monday, Funday
I am so excited, this is my last week on this schedule, I will be Monday through Thursday beginning next week, which means I can get Tess every other Friday! I have missed our outings more than I can say, must plan something special for this upcoming one. I hope this Monday finds everyone is good spirits, sound minds, sound body’s and looking forward to your day.
Nocona continues her road to improvement I am happy to report, she is eating, drinking and last night turned in a circle three times before lying down. Huge improvement, she is clear eyed and alert, she is still having issues walking, but she is trying.
I have a confession, I love reading my horoscope, not because I believe in that hokum, but because it amuses me. I am always on the verge of financial success, ruin or independence, I am always on the verge of meeting an extremely attractive stranger, or breaking up, or I should hide under the covers. That one I like..
My mom used to read her horoscope, she used to call them the horriblescopes, and she would read it at the end of the day. I asked her why she did that, her answer was so my mom, she said she wanted to see what she had missed.
She would read it, sit for a minute, and say, well I didn’t miss much, put the paper down and walk off whistling a happy tune. Some days I miss her more than others, but I relish the happy memories. October is a hard month, it is the month I lost Michael and the month I lost Sandi. However, I think of them and think of all of the good times, the laughter, the lessons I learned from each and it makes my heart lighter.
What really makes my heart lighter is the knowledge I will see everyone again someday, when it is my turn to go home, I know that wont be anytime soon. My people live a long time, I have a good 75 years left, but for them it will be nothing but the blink of an eye.
I am going to sign off now, off to work I go, must earn money to buy new shoes, Stormie is determined to eat mine.
Nocona Update
I have an update on Nocona, this morning she is clear eyed and trying to stand, best news is she “did her business”, which she had not done since Tuesday. She has been on stool softeners all week, it finally paid off, thankfully so, because the Vet said that was her big worry at this point.
She was able to walk a little outside and do her business, so things are looking up. When I picked her up Friday she was worse off than when I dropped her off. She was lethargic, and not moving at all, the vet said she probably would not last the night. Well she did, Elizabeth and I decided to take her off of her pain meds for the whole day of Saturday, because she was drugged up, you could see it in her eyes. By yesterday evening she was doing better, eating and drinking.
Today she has eaten a whole can of dog food and my tuna, she has also been drinking, then she sleeps. Which is kinda normal for her, and the Irishman, I feed him, he sleeps.
I am very happy, I am praying this is the first steps on the way to recovery, I know it won’t be all the way, she is after all 12, but I do hope this means we have many years left with her.
Nocona
As many of you know, I am an animal lover, I believe their behavior is rarely judgmental and they accept us as we are. They give unconditional love, they know when you are sad, they know when you need to pet them and let you know when they need you to pet them.
I have talked about Nocona in the past, she is one crazy girl, she is also loving and sweet and loyal, now it is our turn to be loyal to her.
I came home for lunch on Tuesday and found her on the floor, she was not moving she was just looking at me, I immediately called work and took the rest of the day off, then called the vet. It was lunch time and the receptionist explained I may have to wait. Then she said hold on and came back after a few minutes and said the vet was staying through her lunch.
I carried Nocona to the car, which was extremely sad, because normally when you say wanna go for a ride, she runs to the car and jumps in. We got there and they did an X-Ray and determined that she had an infection in her heart, which, the vet explained was transmitted by mosquitos. She also has a slipped disc, add constipation to the list and there you have it. The vet prescribed antibiotics and pain meds, which I picked up at a human pharmacy. So funny how much like us they are, I also give her fish oil now, the vet also said to give her pumpkin to help with her constipation issue, which she turned her nose up at. I now have to give her miralax to help with it.
She has gotten peppier, but now she cannot walk, she wants to, she tries, but her legs won’t obey her, back to the vet today, she said she is going to give her a steroid shot and aggressive pain meds. She believes we can ease her discomfort and she will be able to walk.
It was hard leaving her in the vet office this morning, the way she looked at me, her eyes said I can’t believe you are leaving me. I hugged her and told her I would be back, so back I go at 3:30 and am praying that the steroid treatment is going to work for her.
Pray with me animal lovers, I know you are plentiful out there, she is a good friend, a great member of our family and is loved by all that know her.
I’m not ready for her to join her friend in heaven and yes, I am one of those people who believe pets go to heaven. The bible tells us all that we love will be there. Well I love my pets and chocolate, so there ya have it.
Life
Yesterday the Irishman and I went to see Rush, the new Ron Howard film about Formula 1 racing greats James Hunt and Niki Lauda. Now I only know they are greats due to the hype about the movie, I do not watch any sports. Everyone knows that.
Watching the movie, I am kind of surprised that I don’t enjoy racing, I think I would, no, I know I would enjoy doing the racing, however watching cars go in a circle for hours on end. No thanks.
Watching this film, and it is a film, so not a run of the mill movie, I realized I squandered my youth. I didn’t seize the day like James Hunt did; he enjoyed every bit of life, all of it. It was an eye opener.
I left the theater with the realization that I am old and there are things I will never, ever do again in my lifetime. There are things I will never experience for the first time because I have left my youth behind me.
I will never again ride a horse, I haven’t since I was in my early 20’s, so I know this to be a true statement. I will never again go roller-skating, that season has gone from my life. I will never again party like a rock star, ok, I never did that one, but still, I will never stay up all night talking and making plans. Those days have passed me by. I will never go skiing again; I seriously hated the skiing part, please, going down a mountain on two little sticks. So not my idea of fun, but I have done it, I will never go again.
I know I will never drive on a racetrack, yes that was a dream, I love to drive fast, I would love to be in one of those Formula 1 vehicles and run it around the track once or twice. I know without a doubt that will not happen. The best I can do is go 90 on the highway, shhhh don’t tell.
I will never go skydiving, I have dreamed of this, but quite honestly my fear of heights has gotten worse with age and I would probably pass out when the plane door opened. So this is not for me, it has passed me by, so many things are passing my by at the speed of light.
I will never live to see the day that we travel in space for pleasure; I will never live to see the day that the Vulcans land. Metaphor for the alien race that is bound to show up one-day people, I really don’t expect Mr. Spock to land on my doorstep.
I am incredibly boring these days, I have no excitement to look forward to, no wonderful surprises left around the corner.
I hope my children enjoy their youth, I hope they live it to the fullest, get to experience life like I never had the chance to. I hope that they understand that their youth is for living life, for taking chances, for doing, going, living.
Because when one gets to my age, well, there is nothing left, no excitement, no fun, no rollercoasters of life to take you up and down. There is simply nothingness, an empty void of space, looking out to through the years with what if’s and coulda, woulda, shoulda.
I read books, I have my entire life, I have found my escape in them, I have lived a thousand lives, I have done things in my imagination that I would never have had the opportunity to in real life.
I have been a pirate; I have ridden a bull, driven a racecar and been the most beautiful woman alive. Imagination is way better than life; it gives you things that living cannot.
Do I wish my life had been different? No, I do not, I relish the role of mother, it is one that I take seriously, even now. I would not change anything, I just wish I had taken advantage of opportunities that I will never have again.
It has all passed me by.
New Baby
So the Irishman and I adopted a baby, she is 5 months old with amber eyes and red hair. She is full of life, happy, joyous, rambunctious and old fashioned fun.
For the first 5 months of her life she was raised outdoors, so house training her has been challenging, however crate training her has been easy.
Nocona seems ok with her, she has only snipped at her a couple of times and they have actually started playing together.
Which brings me to a long dormant segment “Does That Make My Dog Crazy”.
Stormie (our daughters name) has her own bed, it is lovely, big and brand new. I noticed that Nocona’s bed was missing its pillow. I walk over to Stormie’s bed and found that she has stolen the pillow and put it on her bed. She is lying there with her head on the pillow.
I stood there and she looked up and just grinned.
Life is going to be exciting.
Just Drive
As I was driving this morning I thought of my dad, he loved to drive and passed that down to me. There are two things about his driving that stand out, the first being if anyone pointed something out to him he would drive towards it. I learned not to do that due to the fact it was a little scary. The second was how fast he drove, one time, before I started driving, he pointed to a sign and said “see that number? It’s a suggestion.” It was the speed limit sign. I took that to heart, I literally cannot drive slow. Jeffrey asks me all the time “mom, how do you not get speeding tickets?” Well, the answer is simple, I’m cute, I’m personable and I make the highway patrol officers laugh.
The thing about driving fast is those of us who do have a tendency to go through life fast. It’s hard to slow down because we are so geared toward doing everything as fast as we possibly can.
It’s hard to turn that off, that feeling of urgency. I have a tendency to do things fast, I read fast, I type fast, I do everything fast. How does one slow down? That is the question of the day. Perhaps I should try driving slower, at least to the speed limit, although that will be difficult.
We got a new dog this weekend, Stormie, she is a Siberian Husky. I think you all know how I feel about those dogs. I do love the bigger dog, I call them dogs with heft. She is a sweet dog, good disposition, needs training, leash training, house training things like that. She is really smart, I think with work, consistency, discipline and love she will be an excellent dog, friend, companion and family member.
Special thanks to my friend Kat for transporting her to us! You totally rock!
Angie World 